Le Marchand's Puzzle Box

Goodbye magic pills - the end to crazy meds

2008-06-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a while since I blogged. I am still alive I just had other new wonderful things to occupy me.

A while back I attended an indoor climbing taster session. This experience had a profound effect on me. Whilst I was unable to climb to the top of the walls due to my odd at height phobia, I did come out feeling ontop of the world. I realised I had fallen in love with climbing, a persuit that will keep me fit and healthy that I adore. I went frequently (every other day) and class it now as my therapy. It sucessfully manages my manic episodes and keeps my brain occupied. I do find it diffcult to climb when am having a dip in mood, but instead focus on my art when I am withdrawn.

So have been managing dips with creating artwork and highs with climbing. It seems to be working rather well.

Anyhoo a while back whilst talking to my shrink we both came to the conclusion that I may be allergic to Mirtazapine as I was having insane itching attacks at night not long after taking my tablet. Tried an antihistamine to see if it made any difference but it just made me all the more sedated.

I kept on with the Mirtazapine and monitored the itchiness, not every evening but started to happen more and more frequently. A few weeks ago I developed a rash on the nape of my neck. Which I mentioned to my shrink at my next session. Again we both agreed that I appreared to have become more allergic to wonderful Mirtazapine. We discussed the options and my current mental state. Options re: meds had been reduced to zero, due to being allergic, sensitive or due to my heart not liking meds that messed about with heartrate. She asked if I thought I was ready to come off meds and I said that having the knowledge I do now, plus the fact I was able to live with my condition med free for almost 30 years was a good sign. We both agreed. She said she would give me a safety net (zoplicone) sleeping tablets for when I couldn't sleep to avoid me going into a big episode in future. This would be an ongoing script. My file would remain open so that if I ever got over the edge help would be there immediately and would get seen ASAP.

I was told to start tapering off the Mirtazapine going from 30mg to 15mg that night and staying on 15mg for one month and then stopping.

Going from 30 to 15 induced the following side effects:

That night I had tinnitus (ringing in ears) all night long, thus I hardly slept. I awoke the next morning to intense trippiness. Which was amusing but alas had to take the day off work as kept bumping into things and hallucinating. The next day I was fine. The following weeks my depressive morning dips returned but managed them and had got used to them.

Last night was my first med free night (no more Mirtazapine) and what a night! Didn't sleep a wink, hot and cold sweats, shaking, paranoia, emotional. Another day off as slept most of today to recover. Its now evening and feel relatively normal. All going well I should be able to go back to work tomorrow.

The next few weeks will be a battle as my brain sinks back to its normal chaotic state. A violently swinging pendulum which will become less violent as time goes on.

Oddly I feel stronger mentally than I have ever been before (even on meds). I have learn't to adapt. But this is not a surpise seeing as I have always been warrior like.

I was born like this, I have no disturbing events that have triggered my illness, I have always been the cube like peg that is unable to fit into any hole. Because the cube that I am is like a Chinese puzzle box, forever reconfiguring itself.

I am what I am, but just because I do not fit I am not going to submit to try and fit. I see the world though many windows, I travel to the bowels of hell and to the gloriously wonderful fairgrounds. Both have elements of danger and death. But I now have the ability to stop the ride and assess the world I am in.

I am not cured, I have evolved. Maybe that is what mentally illness is in it essence, it is telling us to stop and assess. The brain is a most complex organ. My piece of wisdom from my experiences are as follows:

If it gets out of control then consider medication and/or therapy in order to give yourself a breather and assess the issues you face.

Sort out what makes you unhappy and change it, some things will be easy to fix, others more delicate. But this is a very important thing, do not be afraid, seize the bull by the horns. End relationships, change jobs, move, sort out debts, lose weight etc...

Seek out things that will inspire and motivate you. No matter how silly or trivial. If you loved playing hockey as a child, take it up again as an adult. Think of the 'ohh would love to do that, have always wanted to do that' and do them.

Look after the body. Indulgence in moderation, get out into the fresh air, eat good quality food, pamper yourself.

Talk to people, blog abot worries or rant. Let everything out (private stuff to anon sources). Try not to keep the negative thoughts inside, bring out, dissect.

Be yourself :O)

twisted_angel x

P.S. Will still keep blogging, you cannot get rid of me that easily ;o)

highly tuned senses

2008-02-22T10:55:00.000-08:00

Ahhh ha! yes I have always had a problem with noise. As a child I would fight with my sibling if she ate noisily and she even used to do it on purpose knowing it would enflame me.
Eating loudly or eating crunchy food will send me into a fire breathing rage. I cope by walking away from it or putting my mp3 player on to block out the noise. If someone talks loudly for me it is like they are shouting.

I have what seems higher than normal senses. I cannot tolerate strong perfumes or smells very well, what is a squirt of perfume for some is like they have bathed in it for me smell wise. But I can pick up the nice hidden smells too.

I used to think I had bad hearing until I noticed that I could hear its that I went into a daydream like state and blocked off noise. Apprently epileptics can suffer from the same thing (mainly in children) and is usually used as diagnosis. Not that I am epileptic but there does seem to be more and more linkage with regard to symptoms of BP and epilepsy. Quite possibly due to the same receptors misfiring/overfiring with either.

Taste wise I have a very good sense of taste and can usually taste more flavours than others can. Maybe I should become a wine taster or ohhh chocolate taster lol

Sight well that is a tricky one as I am as blind as a bat without contact lenses. Severely short-sighted -7.50 in one eye and - 8.00 int he other. BUT with contact lenses correcting my vision I still can notice things many cannot, am very good at wordsearches and spot the difference type games. Notice things that are out of place and have an almost spooky gift of finding lost items.

Finally to touch. As a child I wasn't a cuddly child I hated being kissed and cuddled. My mother sometimes got upset as I didn't show affection. Yet if plonked infront of an animal I would cuddle and stroke it with greatest affection and love. I adored animals back then and still do and over squeeze my two cats and dog on a regular basis. Yet when it comes to people I will hug someone if they need one but mainly I tend to not like being cuddled or touched. This changes when I am manic and become hypersexual as then I very much enjoy being touched. But when in stable or depressed state I detest affection toward me and detest giving it. Skin becomes oversensative and says no.

Anyhoo gosh how I ramble on.

I can only conclude that what is supposed to be manic depression is in fact evolution. Maybe we are more evolved than others and as thus cannot cope yet with our highly tuned senses and usually massive IQs. But maybe at some point we will learn to harness what we have and the mad will then become the new mankind. Ahhh I love philosophy!

twisted_angel x (whom may one day, may have the answer to why we are here)

Depakote cold turkey (blog date 18 feb 2008)

2008-02-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

Update:

Had to have last Thursday and Friday off from work due to insane itching in the night. Felt like I had ants crawling all ove me. Realised that my histamine receptors were waking up from their long slumber, nice of them to let me know.

Itching has lessened as brain is slowly pushing out the remnants of the depakote from its matter.

Mood wise, some slight mixed states but not dramatic.

Finally got through to Pdoc and she advised that only option left to me is Abilify at a very low dosage. I said that I would try going back to acupunture (am still on Mirtazapine as I do well on it). As acupuncture did make a difference when I had it done before ( I only stopped it as felt guilty about cost as mum was paying for sessions).

So shall go ahead with more alternative route and see how it goes.

Of course am still being monitored by the psyc team and visit them on regualr intervals.

So currently the cold turkey for me hasn't been that bad. Maybe it is because I don't really suffer from anxiety ( am pretty fearless), and have a warrior like attitude to life. Yes I have an illness, I have always had an illness but I refuse to life in fear of the next episode. I am taking a risk, but I am happy with that. Life is too bloody short. I have a good support system of professionals, friends and family when I need them. Am back to my fully eccentric bubbly self again. I now have the spark back, am inspired again to paint, have been taking interest in my photography again and am looking forward to starting indoor rock climbing in two weeks time.

Anyhoo shall update as and when.

twisted_angel x

Best and Worst meds

2008-02-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

Worst for me were:

escitalopram - twitching like I was connected to a shock machine, restless leg syndrome, hot flushes to the point that I was soaked waking up each morning, inability to walk very far, dizziness, slurred speech, jittery speech, induced mania. Had to come off straight away as doc suspected I was experiencing moderate Serotonin syndrome. Then had to deal with sharp depressive dip that it left behind after 48 hours of stopping. Thankfully was short lived.

Depakote - put on a stone in one week, excessive fluid retention, alot of hair loss, skin very dry and flaky, constant loose bowels (going to loo up to 20 times a day, thus causing anal tearage and extreme pain), kidney pain, liver pain, cystitis, extreme tiredness to the point of zombie like, hence unable to get up in the morning thus always being in late for work. Got fed up with feeling like crap eventhough mentally was stable. Stopped immediately as advised by pdoc.

Best:

Mirtazapine - No side effects, don't feel tired on it, don't feel like a zombie, I do very well on it. Am continuing to take it and shall prolly be on it for a very long time.

Acupuncture (ok not a med) - Expensive at £35 a pop (for 1 - 1 1/2 hours session). No side effects although is a tad uncomfortable but bearable pain wise (not good if you don't like needles though but I am fine with needles). Effects of session can last from days to weeks, better sleep, moods more stablised. I am going back to having my sessions as I have little choice with meds now. Cannot take lithium as my internals didn't react well to valporate and lithium may cause same problems. Cannot take many of the antipsycs as I have a naturally fast heartrate and thus taking them will bring on palpatations.

If I am to ever go back to another mood stabliser then I have been advised that I could take very small dose of Abilfy. Only option left. Am going to try and make a go of it with Mirtazapine and Acupuncture combo and see how I do.

twisted_ angel x

feet back on terra firma

2008-02-14T15:28:00.000-08:00

Well it has been an interesting time these past two weeks. The beginning of last week I visited my shrink to tell her that I was fed up with being fat, hairless, loo hugging and stomach pained zombified creature. She agreed that Depakote wasn't making my life easier anymore, a shame as it did sort out my moods. So on her advice I quit that evening (I had already had my 500mg in the morning. So commenced the cold turkey off of depakote. (Which I was a tad worried about as evidence on net suggests it quite dangerous to cold turkey off it as it can cause convulsions etc..) But anyhoo doc knows best so ahead I went with cold turkey. The next morning I couldn't go to work as I was shaking alot and kept having hot sweats and dizziness. This I had for two days. Then I felt ok. Today I woke up feeling dizzy and disorientated so took a day off again. My brain is trying to now sort itself out no doubt as the drug is now slowly trickling out of my grey matter. Today I have felt quite depressed but am fighting it and shall be booking an acupunture treatment soon to help me along.

Now shrink had prescribed me new tablets to take fom this week called seroquel. But when I checked out the side effects it was evident that I couldn't take them. They cause raised heart rate and since I suffer from palpatations and already have a naturally fast heart rate I cannot take them. She knows this and obviously completely forgot and didn't read my notes properly. I can remember the first time I saw her and back then she said I could not be put on antipsychotics for that reason. I mean sheeshhh I thought I had a bad memory but it seems that she does too.

I tried to call her last week and was told that she would call me. No call. I am going to call her tomorrow and see if I can get through as I think I should let her know the status and I will need more regular appointments with my CPN from now on as am now only on the Mirtazapine now and need extra suport for when I get my dips or highs. Am going back to alternative therapy (acupuncture) as it did help with stabalising moods and my mother has offered to pay for them again. I used to have a session every two weeks but once I get into the routine will then be able to have it once a month which should suffice. I am lucky that my parents can afford to send me to one, many people do not have that luxury.

Anyhoo feeling a little better this evening so shall go to work tomorrow hopefully. I slept till 3pm today and was exhausted. But brain did feel better for it.

Ahh this year is the year of changes and next month it is time to get my body healthy again. I lost 1/2 stone in three days from just coming off of depakote (most likely mainly fluid retention). I aim to lose a stone this year. Am going to start indoor climbing with a friend and will look forward to more walking as the weather gets bettr. I have my energy back now as with depakote was like a zombie and had no energy.

That is all for now, need to get to bed and hopefully wake up ok in the morning.

twisted_angel x

Arson, pain in the rectum and crazy meds

2008-01-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

What a week it has been, Last week I had finally got to the stage where going to the loo was pain free. This however did not last long and I have torn again, yet again I did not strain, have had soft stuff coming out not hard. Again I am in unbearable pain. On Thursday I had kidney pain and cystitis. Enough is enough, I am sure that it is the Depakote that has messed up my internals, thus have demanded another appointment with my CPN with view to coming off and will go from there.

Today smelt smoke in the kitchen, thought it was odd, looked out of window and saw large plumes of smoke. Quickly assembled my camera and went out to see what was happening.

The sheds opposite had been set on fire, fire crew were there already and a nice policeman.

The police had seen some teens lingering once the firemen had gone and gave chase. it seems they were the culprits.

Apparently a fire had been started in one of the sheds at my end (where my shed is) and last night a resident put it out. I had also noticed that someone had tried to break into my shed, and reported it to the police. I personally think the sheds should be knocked down as they are always being vandalised and make the square look unsightly.

Ohh well I could live in worse areas (and there are worse). I just need to stay here a few more years and refurb this place so I can then sell it. Never again will I live on an estate that is for sure. I do feel sorry for those that do not have a choice though. We all should have a nice place to live at some point.

So fed up of being in pain.

twisted_angel x

My 31st Birthday

2008-01-15T12:30:00.001-08:00

A chilled day, spent most of the day doing not very much, went for a nice walk though, see pictures below;

twisted_angel x

xmas present from Simba

2007-12-23T06:26:00.000-08:00

Simba decided at some point last night to wee all over Marley's bed. I noticed the smell this morning wondering why the bedroom has such a wonderful aroma about it.

Duvet and cover in the washing machine now.

Bloody cats! Simba has always been a funny cat, has to have things his way. Many moons ago when I was in another relatonship Simba urinated on his clothes, my bag, his waterproofs, behind the TV. After much detective work we found that it was because Simba wanted his own litter tray.

So he is urinating again. The only thing I can think of is that either he smelt some pee on the dog bed and assumed it to be a toilet. Or Kit Kat the local ginger was at the catflap last night and Simba could go out.

May have to get a litter tray again and pop it somewhere just incase he gets lazy again.

Cat behaviour is tricky to figure out, they are masters at hiding and sleeking about. He is all bushy tailed this morning, smiling sweetly. Ahh but Simba, I know what your pee smells like. I know

twisted_angel x

Christmas Holidays

2007-12-22T13:31:00.000-08:00

Well I shall stop blogging about my rectum for a while I think, must put people off their dinners. Not that I get alot of traffic to my blog mind.

So am off for a week and a bit.

Have paid my bills early.

Just need to sort out a major fluff up with a boiler fixing company that want to charge me a silly amount of money for a bodge job. That I will leave till Monday. have a feeling that I will have to call watchdog and trading standards. Will blog about it once it has been sorted.

So how am I feeling? Well most of the time numb, then other times creative. Have a project I am doing over the holidays involving doing a painting and am enjoying it. Keeps the mind busy.

So back to the numbness. I had this when I was depressed, now I have it minus the depression. Most odd feeling to have. Most likely due to being sedated to the eyeballs with meds. All I want to do is sleep, alot, a hell of alot. So I try not to, as it wastes time, time I could be doing other things. Just to add that I sleep at night, I just don't like sleeping till midday.

hmmm... right now I long to be infront of a large wood burning fireplace, sat on a squishy beanbag with a mug of what consists of baileys irish cream, melted chocolate, whipped cream and a light chocolate dusting. Being seduced by the licks of flames that dance on the logs. Obviously naked. Just the sound of whirling wind outside. maybe a dog by my side or a cat. Maybe a person to chat to although I then would be dressed, comfy though, with woolly socks on. Ahhh that would be bliss.

Maybe I should just go away for a weekend next year on my own, go walking, take pictures and be anon. A nice little log cabin or something. Mind you I prolly wouldn't come back knowing me.

A pal of mine alerted me to these little hobbit type homes in Wales. You live in a little eco community, help build others homes and they help build yours. I really like the sound of that. Living off the land and all that.

Anyhoo am rambling on.

time out.

twisted_angel x

Visit to the Bum Doctor

2007-12-12T13:37:00.000-08:00

So after being in severe pain for 2 days with occasional relief from a hot wheat bag thingie and hot baths it was time to see the bum doctor.

I arrived at the hospital in time and waited, eventually my name was called around 30 mins later. I was ushered into a small examination room (well cubicle with curtain) and told to wait. I waited around 10 mins, I was then told if I wouldn't mind going into the next room as this one was needed. So I am then in another room, waiting again for around 10 mins.

After what seemed like forever the bum doctor appeared with a medical student. He asked me about my symptoms, I told him. He then stepped out whilst I removed my lower clothing and hopped onto the couch. The nurse was prepping a proctoscpe and I said there is no way they will get that into me, she dismissed this. I detested her very much, not a nice nurse.

Back in them came, he lightly prodded my tummy and then told me to turn over, knees up, prodded the outside and then said he would do a digital exam. Which as it turned out he couldn't do as I yelped in pain.

He explained that he thinks it is an anal fissure, I tried in vain to tell him that this was not right as I had gone to my own GP when she thought the same after it had healed and I still had pain. He seemed to ignore my thoughts and said to try a new cream for 6 weeks and that I am to go back to him in 3 months time whereby it should be healed and he can then shove the large probe up my backside.

I left the hospital somewhat pissed off. I am certain that the fissure is a result of another thing going on in my pipes. I have IBS for years and now it has got worse. I want a colonoscopy to have a good bloody look to see what is going on, under general anaesthetic, am sick to death of not pooing normally!!!

Anyhoo, so I go to the local chemist and they say it'll be ready Monday as it is a special cream. Bugger, so I call my usual chemist and he tells me the same. What the fluff am I supposed to do till Monday? So tomorrow will have to call my GP and get an appointment so that she can prescribe kick ass painkillers or bloody valium until then.

Not best pleased, so I am treating myself to a chocolate dessert this evening.

twisted_angel x

the dull torture of boredom

2007-12-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

I am bored. Thus thought I had better update my blog.

So whats new?

Well I had a cold last month, which I finally got rid of, only to blasted get another last week. Thought it had all but gone a couple of days ago, then last night my voice went all croaky. Croaky it has stayed. A touch of laryngitis methinks, bugger. Still chuffing away on smokes though, naughtly lass that I am.

Went to a funeral of a work pal on Thursday. Quite a sad event, only 32. Had a bone marrow type disease, in the end his vital organs packed up. Has been ill and mended on and off the past 3 years, but finally it took hold and did not let go. A shame as he was a gem of a chap.

Too many bloody friends dying this year, all around my age. I cannot wait for this year to end.

My rectum is playing up still, got letter last week for an appointment, rang them up and have appointment next Weds, bloody fast, doc had put me on the urgent list. Am hoping that all appointments will be as quick as I want the problem found and taken care of sharpish.

Skint. Hell isn't everyone this time of the year. I so need to get a loan to pay off the credit cards. Aim to do this before xmas. A priority. Need to stop buying anything unecessary. But its tough when food screams at me from shelves. I try to go shopping when I feel a bit low as it prevents me from rash buying. Thats the thing you see, meds have somewhat balanced me out but I still get peaks and dips now and again, though more manageable still pop up. Hair is alot thinner now, but I do have regrowth so tis ok. Got my hair trimmed yesterday as it was getting tangled all the time. Feel much better for it. I adore my hairdresser, she is an older lady, runs an old style salon, wash and trim costs £13.00 bargain. Plus she always dries it off a little for free just for me. She also allows me to bring my own shampoo and conditioner to wash my hair with as I have sensitive scalp. She knows about my condition and always remembers our conversations even if it has been almost 12 months since our last meet. I gave her £5 to buy a bottle of her fave wine with for xmas. Not much but was all I could afford. Maybe thats why I am skint, I could have done with that £5 for food.

So anyhoo notes to self for xmas....

1 - Start painting for a friend (hopefully tomorrow)

2 - Get a loan to pay off £7000 in credit cards. yep that much, all adds up.

3 - Put up fake tree and lights

4 - Go buy presents for family, stick to list

5 - Pluck my eyebrows before they takover

6 - Make sure bum doctor fixes me

7 - Make xmas cards with cards I brought for a little project I started in the new year that seemed like a good idea which then became apparent was not such a good idea.

8 - Make a list of things to sell, when clear credit cards kill all but one card, then get ebay account and sell all those items and only use one card for that, so an in credit, credit card. Once finished selling stuff clear funds and kill card.

Ahh much to do. Feels good, hope to get all on list done.

Piccies coming soon when I rid of lurgie and can go outside and snap away.

twisted_angel

Mood: feeling much better for letting it all out.

In pain yet again

2007-11-24T15:10:00.000-08:00

Rectum hurts again, went to doctors yesterday morning, she had a feel around and is perplexed. The tear has healed yet I am still in pain, she doesn't think it is a cyst or that it is to do with fluid sack that sits over pelvic bum bone. She says I should be feeling pain where I am feeling pain, thus needs more investigation. Therefore she is referring me to a bum doctor as she aptly put it. At bloody last. I am getting very bloody worried that I may have colon cancer and want this problem dealt with. Hopefully it is something far less severe.

I should get a letter soon and hopefully won't have to wait too long to see the specialist.

click, click, click...

2007-11-18T13:03:00.000-08:00

Got my early xmas present yesterday from my parents, a brand new spanking digital camera. She is a fujifilm S6500fd and I adore her.

Here are a few shots of the demon dawg Marley;

Isn't he adorable .....he is now 7 years old bless him.

Anyhoo shall be posting more as and when. Health wise I am okish, back to docs this Friday to see if I can get a referral to a specialist re; my GI problems, still doesn't feel right. The amount of vaseline I use when i go to the loo is bordering silly, shall soon need to take out shares in the company!

What else... managed to put on 1/2 st in a few days last week due to eating evil crisps, stopped and whoosh back to 1/2st lighter again within days. Normal? I think not. I used to have a very high metabolism and crap GI, now I have slower metabolism and still crap GI, yet a paradox of if I eat high fat I gain very fast and if I stop I lose very fast. Most odd.

Apparently it is snowing across the country, (checks if it is here, looks out of window)....nope still raining. Phew, as when it snows around here everyone panics and traffic gets silly.

right that'll do for now.

twisted_angel x

why so bloody slow blogger!

2007-10-29T14:46:00.000-07:00

I am getting really quite bloody annoyed now with blogger, it is very slow, may have to migrate to another site soon before my patience runs out.

Poo Diary:

number of trips to loo so far around 6, soft, number 5 toothpasty, number 6 explosive very watery with floating pea sized poos inbetween.

Still have sore arse.

Seems the extra softner is making things worse, cannot add more fibre for fear of more explosions.

I just want to be able to poo normally!!!! Is that so much to ask? I have had to put up with so called IBS since I were a teen, enough is bloody enough.

Have now spent well over 2 weeks without the boiler working, shallow bathing and visits to friends bathrooms to wash hair is bordering silly now. Man with tools is back tomorrow, shall see if he can bloody fix it this time, as I am not paying for his time tomorrow. Have spent almost £300 so far and prolly another £200 for yesterday, though they have not said anything yet so we shall see how the price pans out. Refuse to pay any more, if it cannot be fixed am getting another blasted boiler.

twisted_angel x

Mood: Very pissed off

Clive Barker's Mister B. Gone

2007-10-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

Am a huge Cliver Barker fan so when I saw his latest book in a store today I just had to have it. Modestly priced at £13 for the hardback (which may be the only format it comes in as saw no paperbacks).

Got home and started reading. Finished the book in around 3 hours, stopping for food and breaks.

I would say it is aimed toward teens but not children say below 12, though as an adult I found it just as enticing. There are alot of gory and violent goings on in the book so a parent may not find it suitable, but saying that Harry Potter has alot of violence in it too.

Out of 10....I would give a 7. Good story, a bookmark string attached was a loverly touch, a clever little way of interacting with the reader but I wanted it to be more than that....

SPOILER ALERT.........

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Ok no really a spoiler but a hint of, what I think should have been in the book to make it a 10....

clever in the sense that maybe he could have watermarked some of the pages so that when held to the light it revealed clues? Using suggestion techiniques where he says he knows what you are thinking, such as those games where you think of a number and low and behold they know what you are thinking? Maybe too gimmicky? but surely would add more sparkle to a book, a functional book, more would buy a book like that, take a looka t Dr Hirowhathisname games on the DS lite, people are craving puzzles like ever before now. Make them work for the words....

Maybe I should write a book of my own you may well say.....

Maybe I will....

I moan so much that I should bloody well do it....

In time.....

twisted_angel x

Pain in the arse saga continues

2007-10-24T15:09:00.000-07:00

So I went back to the doc, she examined me and saw that I had an anal fissure close to my opening. Advised to keep taking painkillers, stop the up the arse bullets and use the cream. I told her that the thought of all the side effects worried me, she said it would be fine.

That night I applied the cream and went to bed, around 10 mins later had the most awful headache, so went to loo and wiped it all off. Back to bed I went (this was last friday btw). Around 3am awoke to severe heartburn which last a long while, thought I was having a bloody heart attack!

Awoke the next morning and decided to stop the painkillers and cream. After reading leaflets for both I had low pressure headache with cream and heartburn with painkillers. It seems my body just has had enough of tablets.

Roll onto Sunday and I get a bloody cold! I must have zero immunity due to all the crap they keep throwing at me.

Anyhoo, anus has been slightly sore on and off. I keep meaning to add pure aloe vera to area as I have a plant, shall do that tomorrow I think. Need to heal the area and then in 3 to 4 weeks time shall go back to docs so she can have a deeper look.

Personally I think I have Crohns. All the symptoms seem to be there, I can hardly eat anything for it sets me off, bloating, pain, too loose, tooo firm, bahhhh.

Sanity wise am still pretty stable, which is at least a good thing.

Although due to my low immunity my hair has been falling out more than usual and shall have to get some vitamins + zinc to see if that helps.

For those that read this drivel, well done!

twisted_angel x

Mood: slightly sore and a very red nose due to cold grrrr

Sadistic finger stabbing

2007-10-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

I so wish I hadn't gone to work yesterday. Spent all morning sitting sideways in the chair. Pain had not gone, in fact was getting worse. At home time 1.30pm dashed for the loo (had been pooing all morning, it was getting silly), where I then spent an agonising 5 mins in pain to the point where I almost fainted.

It was then I decided to get in the car and dash to the docs ASAP, no time to get to A&E too far.

Got to surgery and pleaded to be seen, thankully my GP was at reception but seemed busy, no one in waiting room thankfully as I cried and pleaded. She asked if I wouldn't mind being seen by her student GP and that when she had finished her paperwork would come and conclude. I said yes as I was in so much bloody pain I would have had a vet see me.

Student doc was nice, young, a little timid. I told her what had been happening and she told me to undress so she could take a look.

At this point am thinking 'here we go again!'.

So I lay there on my side, knees up, she prods (aaaaaaooooow), she tries to insert a finger (aaaaaaaaawoooooowowooow) and she isn't even pressing that hard. She then does reflex tests on lower limbs to see if it may be neurological. Nope reflexes are fine. She is stumped. Off she goes to get my GP and I stand hunched over chair as is too painful to sit.

My GP enters and orders me to strip again, (annoying as I had just got my lower clothing back on again). I lay on couch and she starts prodding (but alot harder than student), aaaaaaafuckinghelllloouch!!!!!!!, I scream, I cry, I pant like I am giving birth. I am now thinking she is doing this on purpose to make sure I am not making it up. She then tries to insert her finger and I nearly push the couch away from the wall from the pain. "hmmmmmmm" she says, "lets see if we can try and get the procoscope up there, try ok" I agree. She tries and I scream, cry, hyperventilate, cry and nearly leap off the couch. She stops. I apologise for the wailing. Thankfully no patients were in the surgery as I am sure the whole of the village heard me.

Her conclusion (after being all dominant with her pupil):

It isn't an infection.
She needs to give me loads of pain relief and I need to go back end of next week so she can open rectum to see up there and go from there.
Am off the awful antibiotics (which did nothing).

So am on strong painkillers, suppostries, and anaesthetic rectal gel. Today was pain free!!!!! whooooohoooo. Still tiny bit tender but least I can sit properly.

Will update.

Twisted_Angel x

Broken glass and the colon

2007-10-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

WARNING: The following contains descriptions of passing stools and the workings of bowel, do not read whilst eating and just because I blog about it it does not make me any less of a lady.

For the past two weeks I have had excessive wind and the usual several trips to the loo a day. Am relatively used to IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). But every other day I have had a nice bright red picture imprinted onto first wipe of rear. Subsequent wipes consisting of poo and no blood.

Monday night I had a sore 'opening' and decided to put some anusol cream on said area and went to bed peacefully without soreness. (For past few days 'opening' had been getting more and more sore).

Last night after several trips to loo was getting very fucking painful (I only swear when absolutely necessary).

So on went the cream, and it didn't bloody work. I spent the night tossing and turning in pain, the waves of torture neevr ending. I can only describe the pain as someone taking a basball bat, wrapping it in barb wire, then coating it in broken glass, adding corrosive acid and then finally setting it on fire before inserting it viciously into your rectal opening repeatedly.

The pain was tiring and nauseating. At one point I was seriously thinking of going to A&E, but did not have the strength to get up.

I awoke this morning shattered and still in pain. Called doc surgery for emergency appointment. Which thankfully I got.

I get to surgery and explain what has happened, nice young female doctor examines my tummy (no pain). Then comes the rectal examination.

I lie in routine position as she prods outside area (aaaaaooooooooooooooooowwwwwww), tears are flowing. She then gets the ice cold gel and tells me to relax (fucking relax!!!!!! It feels like fredding sodding Kruger has his hand up there, you want me to sodding relax!!!???

She gently places her fingers in to try and examine, I cry out in pain which is enough for her to finish examination.

Conclusion;

She thinks it may be an internal infection, although there is no reddness on outside. Am put on nasty antibiotics, steriod/anaesthetic cream, told to take lots of paracetamol and to have hot salt baths.

I am hoping it is an infection and not my insides finally giving up.

So I go to fill bath and the blasted boiler is playing up

Will update soon....

(not a happy bunny) twisted_angel x

Getting Inked

2007-10-06T13:55:00.000-07:00

After seeing my cute neice in my arms I have thought about getting a tattoo. Her name (which thankfully only has 3 letters) and some small flowers on my left wrist.

Haven't decided whether to go for inner or outer wrist, the pain I am not bothered about, my sister went through 10 times worse to push bundle of joy out. I sure as hell can go though 30 mins of torture for her.

It will be my first tat.

After much research I have decided which artist I shall let loose on my skin (Adam). The studio shall be New Wave in London. Am hoping to go there in next couple of weeks for a chat and hopefully won't have to wait long on the list.

I have chosen him because I want him to also do my second tattoo which will be a large piece on my upper arm and shoulder, which will probably be next year. This one I have been thinking and preparing for for several years. Finally having found the perfect image.

Shall keep you up to date with what happens with first tat and may even post a piccie when its done ;)

Birth

2007-10-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

My neice was born on Saturday weighing in at 6lbs 9. She is perfect and a very pretty baby. Strong too.

I adore her.

Mood: Happy

twisted_angel x

A sodding letter instead

2007-10-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry but you were not chosen... blah blah..

The truth;

They liked me but couldn't afford me.

Tis their loss.

A shame.

twisted_angel x

No sodding phone call

2007-09-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

Did the chap call me re: job interview?

No he ruddy well didn't.

I get ever so slightly annoyed when people say they will definately call, only to sodding well not.

ahh nevermind eh, maybe it wasn't to be...

Twisted_Angel x

Silence Vs Rambling

2007-09-27T12:16:00.001-07:00

Not to intrude on the other silence blog, so have made a new blog.

Silence is a weird concept for me, mainly due to the fact that I either have long moments of it or am other extreme end where I ramble on and bloody on.

I sometimes treasure the silent moments, the loss of the world around me, being encased in a soft cocoon. But this does affect others around me, they become annoyed, suspicious, paranoid. But it is something I do not purposely do, at the time I am blissfully lost in the silent world. Only once I understood how it affected others did I then start to question how I felt about others silence. Did I say the wrong thing, did I do the wrong thing, am I a bad person? Paranoid thoughts scratching away.

For when others are silent, I ramble with a loud roar. Out of my cocoon all thoughts are let loose with words or speech.

At times there are inbetweens, normality, but for the most part there are two extreme poles. Tick tock, tick tock.

I am verbal when not inflicting pain, but when dishing the delight of torture I fall silent, I focus completely. A calm face with a slight smile whilst they scream and howl in pain. They become my voice when mine is silent.....

(a currently rambling) Twisted_Angel x

Pink stripey shirt??!!

2007-09-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

So I attended the interview this morning, all prepared and bright eyed.

Slept a few hours in the afternoon to get over the burst of energy I have been having the past couple of days. Mania has its good points and am glad I pulled out loads, managing to fit in aqua fit classes, visit to salon to have my eyebrows shaped and revision inbetween, not to mention working full time. But I did drop this afternoon, hence the sleep, seem to be ok now.

Anyoo where was I...

Ohh I get there dead on time, the chap I am meeting isn't about, so one of the staff ushers me into the small cosy office. 'He must be in the loo' she says. I chuckle and take a seat. Am offered a drink, I ask for water which is then handed to me in a nice fetching green coca cola glass.

After a couple of minutes the chap arrives, northern accent and very loud shirt (pink and purple horizontal stripes), ouch my eyes.

So the interview starts, all I can look at is that blasted brightly coloured shirt.
All the usual, he is impressed with me.

I then at the end mention the salary and that I couldn't live on it and tell him what I am currently on.

He ponders and says that if I am chosen that we can negotiate.

I like the place, he knows his stuff and it is a family run business. Its all on the cards now. I shall take it if it is very close to my current salary, I cannot take the risk. I am far too skint. It is left to him to decide if I am worth the risk and to pay me my worth.

He is going to call within 48 hours to tell me either way.

Tick tock, tick tock.

twisted_angel x

Note: a crap post due to head not co-operating vey well.

Whispy wonder

2007-09-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

Yet again I find myself bored... Nothing of interest on TV....

Thus back I went to playing on paint packages, here is my latest piece which took 10 mins. Yes I know tis me again

Once I get my stab of inspiration shall have a bash at using the oil pastels I have recently found.

Twisted_angel x

fallen weight

2007-09-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

Popped myself on the scales this morning, registered at just under 8 1/2 st

I have lost just over half a stone in one week???!!!

Must be the nightly walks with Marley, or I am holding less water, most bizarre.

I only had two nights where I ate little for my evening dinner as I had a strange aversion to strong tasting food for a few days. But I ate well in the daytime on those days as I usally do, even had a double choc frappe the other day with a big fat muffin.

Will keep an eye on it.

Hopefully it is normal and due to be being more active.

Twisted_Angel x

Impressionist

2007-09-20T13:47:00.001-07:00

Bored earlier, so decided to play with corel photo paint, here is the art I created within 5 mins.

Final Result;

Mid way;

Original photograph;

Doesn't give me as much satisfaction as doing it by hand, but less mess and occupied me for 5 mins.

Twisted_Angel x

Interview secured!

2007-09-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

Got letter yesterday to invite me for an interview next week!

Am over the moon.

Much to do this weekend involving more reporting and creating a mind blowing proposal for them.

Twisted_Angel x

Mood: Most pleased

Ready for swimming

2007-09-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

So today I had a fun packed day and achieved the following;

1 - Got a free Sports Pass by getting my doctor to fill in a form letting me have therapeutic exercise on the NHS. This entitles me to discounted classes, swimming and the like at the local sports centre. A bonus as I have no money at the moment, next month will start doing aquaercise classes as its only a couple of pounds per class. I get to swim for £2.10 which is great. I need to get rid of the excess weight before it becomes a problem.

2 - Managed to get my prescription, blasted mental health team has still not sent all the paperwork to my doctors, I am going to be having words with them at my next session. We both noticed that at some point was given 15mg tablets instead of 30mg which is very serious and shouldn't happen, I took them together to make 30mg anyhoo so noticed. Need to take box to her next time so she can put in a formal complaint.

3 - My GP is ever so happy that things are now going well for me, my GP is fab :)

4 - Went to local pet food store to check it out as will be applying for a job there, hopefully will get it as I feel I can turn things around.

5 - Erm am still keeping up with my moonlight walks with Marley, he is loving them as he gets to sniff all the dog messages that he missed earlier in the day.

Ahhh egg and chips tonight as didn't have any lunch so am ok with calorie quota. Gp mentioned that I should cut down on the calories, but I do not think tis healthy to do so. I shall excercise more to keep weight off, which is what my aim is with going to sports centre.

need to get a nice fetching sports swim costume, will have to wait until payday.

twisted_angel x

Nigella Lawson

2007-09-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

I have hit the 9st mark in weight due to the blasted medication. Although am liking the curvy Nigella look. So now that am stable I go for moonlight walks with Marley late at night. Am up for joining a gym but cannot afford to do so. May ask my doctor tomorrow if I can get anything through NHS as if I tip over the 9st mark it'll get silly and I so do not want diabetes. Bear in mind I am only 5ft and my normal weight used to be 7 1/2st. Need to nip it in the bud before it gets bad. I eat normally, watch my calorie intake although I have my recommended intake everyday as I do not believe that cutting drastically on calories is healthy. If you want to lose weight properly and maintain a stable weight you need to eat balanced meals, no dieting and excerise. Tough when your in a depressive episode but those are suppressed now, still get peaks but they are helpful in excerising as you cannot sit still.

I want to get my tummy back, as it has a tyre attached to it which I need to deflate and am sick of wearing Bridget Jones control pants. They are the most unconfortable pieces of underwear bar corsets. May as well wear a corset for all the discomfort it causes. I have a handful of corsets and no longer wear them, too torturing, sod that.

twisted_angel x

Update on Demon Bugs

2007-09-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

Well after doing all my anti bug bits, I can safely say that I have not seen any more spots on the bed linen and no more bites on me. They are starving and soon shall die (those that are left hidden away).

I have won the fight with the demon bugs, yyeeeeeahhhhhaaa!!

twisted_angel x

Defining Stable

2007-09-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

Stability for me is a tricky one, I would say now I am on meds I am experiencing the most stabalisation I have ever experienced in my life. But its still tough to swallow, stable = calm, clear thoughts, able to work productively when at work, wash reguarly etc...When I am stable it all seems rather dull and boring, which is akin to my depressive dips except with dips I shut down. Then there are the fast paced, fun, exciting, angry, estatic manic peaks. I also get the mixed and cycling.

Someone has mentioned that to truely know if you are stable you need to know yourself well. It can be a tad tricker than that.

Up until this year I thought I knew who I was, my behaviour, my character. I then had to accept that BP is part of me, it has shaped my character and behaviours. So to then be stable is essentially wiping a slate clean. Learning to walk again. Trying your damn hardest to differentiate between being overly analytical and sensible.

So I have my long moments of stability now, I at times get bitten on the arse by having mixed episodes which then throws everything into a mess. So the slate is clean, you are happily arranging your puzzle pieces into place and Mr Mixed comes along and kicks all the pieces apart. So you have to start again. But it gets easier each time because you are now begining to remember the pieces and can put them into place faster because your memory is better on the meds. Whereas before it was shot to pieces.

So stablility in my view is not so black and white.

twisted_angel x

Bleach Bomb

2007-09-09T08:03:00.001-07:00

(M) decided that he would help me clean today by mixing harpic super toilet cleaner (black bottle) with bog standard bleach (yellow bottle). Result:

Toilet is sparkling and limescale free.

The whole flat smells of chlorine!

All the windows are now open, extractors going full rate.

He knew it would create chlorine and still went ahead, he was so happy with the result.

Next time I am hiding the bleach!

twisted_angel x

Demon Bugs

2007-09-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Bed bugs are clever little sods. Somehow they have invaded my home, they may have hitched a ride on me when I visited London several weeks back. (Apparently the London Transport system is riddled with the little buggers). Or another person in the block may have them, or they may have hitched a ride onto one of my pets.

Anyhoo a few weeks back discovered that the bed linen had tiny red specks littered on them and then I found a dead demon bug carcass in the cupboard. A bit of googling came to the aid and thus discovered I had been invaded!

So I hoovered the bedroom, de-cluttered, hoovered everywhere,washed bedlinen, put clean bed linen on, matress ok as is an all memory foam one and moved bed back from wall.

All was fine.

Until the other day when I noticed the tell tale red specks on bed linen again!

So tomorrow my fight continues;

1 - Hoover room and whole home like mad.

2 - silicone fill all cracks in skirting, walls, in bedframe and furniture.

3 - Wash bed linen again and curtains and dog bed.

4 - Mix vaseline with some lemongrass essential oil (most bugs hate citrus), smear vaseline liberally over bed posts. Ohh and also onto all the skirting boards too to prevent them from climbing the walls and dropping onto the bed from ceiling (yes they are great climbers).

5 - Place fly paper along edges of bed, along base of skirting boards.

I am hoping to catch a few to analyse, hopefully should solve problem with above measures.

Now some of you may well ask, why not call pest control? Well I do actually know of a friend who is an expert on bed bugs, but I really do not want my home fumigated, I hate chemicals. Plus am far too polite, I do not have the money to pay for fumigation and would feel awful if they offered it for free.

Operation bad bug starts tomorrow......

Mood: Sneaky

twisted_angel x

Talking the arse end off a donkey

2007-09-06T11:41:00.000-07:00

Was feeling a tad manic today, endless rambling about everything at work. Mouth engaged in full throttle mode. The amusing aspect is that I cannot remember most of what I rambled on about.

Anyhoo came home today and whilst turning into road to park up saw 5 fire engines, several police cars and a huge gathering of single mums with kids on a grassy patch.

I trotted over to the group, not saying a word (which was a relief after spending all day rambling to the extent I nearly lost my voice). Single mum with hyperactive girl aged about 6 started to tell me all about the fabulous drama. A terraced town house had caught on fire, a fuse box or some such apparently had blown. Tiles (the buildings in the area are half brick, half tiled) had all burnt and were crumbling. From my vantage point (at the other end of the road as they wouldn't allow anyone to get any closer) the adjoining buildings had been damaged too. I stood there smoking a ciggie listening but not listening.

People must get sick of my rambling, some listen, others turn off after a while. All depends on what I am rambling about. I can be clever, witty and engaging then at the other end I can be so sickengly into myself and prolly do sound like a know-it-all most of the time. Splurting endless Sh**e!

I do listen though, I have empathy and I suppose pick and choose those worthy of my ears. Interesting subjects. There are times though when attention span has flown out of the window and travelled to Canada for rest. Work related meetings, meetings where someone talks about the same thing over and over again, college lectures on things that are deathy boring, monotone voices .

Mood: Bloody hungry, waiting for jacket potats to cook

Back to work tomorrow

2007-09-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

Having had a week off has been wonderful, have acheived sod all during that time though.

Did I paint a few more kitchen unit doors? No

Did I declutter the hallway cupboard? Yes

Did I organise my filing cabinet? No

Did I dump my old PC keyboards? Yes

Ok so I did half of my self set tasks. No matter, back to work tomorrow with plenty to do there.

Spent most of this afternoon playing Monster Hunter on PS2 and felt sorry for the dino type monsters I was killing, but I am killing them for food, so tis not so bad. What the hell??? Its a game lol

Mentally I am riding the nice stable wave at the moment, so am enjoying it.

That'll be all for now.

twisted_angel x

Dead baby

2007-09-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

I had a quite disturbing dream last night. I had been reading a blog of Pole to Polar about manic depression and having children a couple of days before which may explain the reason I dream't it.

I had gotten a little swollen on the belly side of things and took a pregnancy test. It came out positive, I took two more to make sure. I started to panic as I am not supposed to get pregnant on medication. Then all of a sudden am in hospital having scans telling me I need to have baby terminated as it is severly deformed. I am then in a clean sterile room, told to lie down (yet I am viewing myself now as third person), they give me local anaesthetic and shove a clear ribbed tube up my vaginal canal.

The next thing is a loud rumbling of what seems to be a very large industrial vacuum cleaner.

Plop!!! I turn around and there is a fully grown dead baby in a bucket covered in blood and not breathing, perfectly formed and not deformed at all.

I then wake up.

Not much shocks me but the sight of this baby was disturbing, the way it sat in the bucket, eyes closed, lips apart, I cannot at present put it into words, I have a bloody awful imagination.

The best horror I have seen is whilst dreaming, no films, or imagery can top it. Sometimes they are inspiring, sometimes they shake my very core.

twisted_angel x

Tummy Shrinkage

2007-09-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

I am sure that my stomach has reduced in size, now does this mean I am not holding as much water as I usually do? Am I now losing weight (bloody hope so)? Thighs seem the same though.
Maybe should cut down on the cereal, as it seems to be coming out the other end looking the same, too much roughage.
Gosh what have I become, am now talkign about my toilet habits (again!).

twisted_angel x

Lament Configuration - BDSM a view from above

2007-08-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

I have been in the ’scene’ a while now and to be honest I was getting a little bored with it. Well actually no, not bored with it, I just didn’t have the energy.

I had been to clubs, I go to a fetish fair once a month.

There is a new ‘club’ starting not too far from home soon, so I may start going to that. I shall then let the gate open again for submissive males or females to apply to serve me at the event.

I shant start telling you what the world of BDSM is like just yet, go find out for yourselves, some fab forums such as;

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/ which includes a dictionary of useful info; http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/BDSM/

http://www.londonfetishscene.com/ a fab forum too.

Contrary to what you may think, most kinksters are normal people with normal jobs, that either like to buy kink items or furniture to play with at home privately, or they go to clubs and play there. Play ranges from mild sensory play (feathers) , to whipping, spanking, flogging, piercing etc… All done with safety in mind and with safewords or codes used.

So where was I… ahhh yes slowly getting back into the roll of things. My next willing victim will have pretty candle wax (red) dripped onto their body in an artistic fashion. Wax is a wonderful substance and I have ones that are at just the right temperature (some candles burn wax hotter than others dependant on what candle is made of). The sensation stings on contact but then leaves a warm feeling and no burning of skin if done correctly.

Anyhooo

twisted_angel x

Lament Configuration - Sodding Pharmacies

2007-08-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

Sunday evening I had discovered that I would run out of 250mg tablets (Depakote) from Monday. The last prescription I got the pharmacy had given me a mixture of 250 and 500mg tablets, which I had only realised on Sunday, proceeding that they used to give me all 250 tabs. I started to worry. So Monday morning I call NHS direct as doctors surgery clsoed, mental health centre closed, didn’t have a clue if I could cut up my 500mg tablets or not.

Just clarify I was on 250 mg in morning and 500mg is evening. = 750mg per day.

So I call NHS direct they say, cannot spilt 500 tabs and to either call out of hours doc or miss that dose and get a prescription on Tuesday. I opted for missing a tab in morning. Big mistake, got the shakes, felt fluey, slept, felt like S**t. When it came to take me evening dose of 500mg felt a bit better after taking them.

So fast forward to today. I didn’t call my doctors surgery as they won’t take repeat prescription over phone, you have to go visit (surgery is in the next town) plus last time they had no record of my new meds so didn’t want all the hassle. Decided will book a doc appointment a week or so before I run out next time and then can sort out my meds being prescribed from there. So called my mental health centre. I asked to speak to my psychatrists secretary (wasn’t in yet), asked to speak to duty worker (not in yet), I said I needed to speak to someone regarding my meds as I felt very ill yesterday and started to get narky. Immediately receptionist got concerned and put me through to my shrink who luckily was in. we had a short chat and she said if I would be happy upping the dosage to 1000mg a day, I said yes as I have had a difficult time of late what with funerals and weddings and work situation getting all the more fragile. She said she would leave a script at the front desk. So I go and pick up my script and go to a local pharmacy to get my meds.

I arrive at pharmacy and give my sheet in. They give me meds and say they haven’t got enough and to get the remaining meds on Thursday. I get to my car and check my meds, label says Depakote, box and blister says kapra!? I walk back into the pharmacy and tell them its the wrong meds. ohh you want the Depakote, sorry and changed my box the the correct meds. off I go home. I look up kapra and they are a drug use to treat epilepsy, he wrongly assumed I had epilepsy and was trying to give me a cheaper drug. The sod. Thankfully I check my meds and am very critical as I may have taken them and heavens knows what would have happened!

Just taken my 500mg, feeling nice and glad the blasted drama is over.

Mood: Calm

Lament Configuration - The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive

2007-08-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

Having just watched episode one of The secret life of a manic depressive earlier tonight (BBC 4) I would say he has done a good job of trying to explain the condition. Its packed full of different people (famous and non-famous) with varying flavours of the condition, how far science has come with regard to studies, how they are diagnosing in the US (quite shocked at how young they are diagnosing), medications. I look forward to seeing part two.It matters not how we perceive him, at least he is brave enough (and yes it takes balls to do what he has done, famous or otherwise) to try and tell the world about the condition in the hope more people are educated about it and maybe less stigma will be attached.

Listening to the accounts made me feel uneasy at times, especially with Carrie Fisher’s account. So much rang true, sometimes I forget and by watching tonight’s programme was reminded. I may not be able to have a child, although I decided long ago I did not want to spawn children, but even if I change my mind it will be a tough choice to make and to deal with.

Little things reminded me of childhood, a memory triggered. When i was around 12 I had won a certificate at school for doing well with my grades. The prize was a book token which I was to go exchange for a book and to then bring the book into school so it could then be handed at a ceremony at end of term along with my certificate. (gosh what a long sentence).

Anyhoo I go to WHS with my mother and what do i pick? wicked willies adventures. Some may be old enough to remember wicked willy, he was a cartoon willy (adult very tame comic, fully of humour). My mother didn’t really understand who wicked willy was so didn’t bat an eyelid. (mother is Sicilian). So I proudly bring the book to school to give in, I had always wanted a wicked willy book, was sick of reading kids stuff and was much more developed mentally and understood alot more than my peers. I wanted a rude book and I was going to have it, I was convinced the school would let me have it. So I handed the book over and by lunchtime was called into the headmaster’s office. He was very stern and asked why I had chosen such a rude book. I said I liked the look of it and it was funny to read. He said it was odd of someone my age to think such and I should go and change it and the matter was closed.I ended up changing it for Alice in Wonderland (whilst a fab book, I had read it to death) but alas I needed to keep the peace. Another little episode of mania lol Anyhoo funny how watching something can trigger a memory like that, I have loads of them its just that they are so tightly crammed in that it will take years to weed them all out.

Mood: Content

Lament Configuration - Star Wars and Monoliths

2007-08-21T07:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the funeral;Previous to this the weekend had been somewhat of a blur, up and down my moods went. Feeling restless.I awoke yesterday feeling somewhat numb. Proceeded to start getting ready, jumped in the shower trying not to think too much. I place my black dress on, control pants (heavens knows why, but wanted my belly to not be protruding maybe), dried my hair, pulled on my boots, stuck on my false eyelashes, did my makeup and finally added red bangles, necklace and earrings to finish the look. Mark had said for me to turn up as I am, as he remembered me, the eccentric one. I did just that.

On the way to driving to the funeral I stopped off at the florist to make sure my spray of flowers had been forwarded and to buy a pink flower for each of his daughters. I then proceeded to over the road where I brought a chocolate butterfly for them each, pink, placed into pink bags and with flower in each. Children as so often ignored at funeral as nobody knows quite how to handle them. I dreaded that thought and by offering simple gifts may make them think of nicer things.

| left the shop and not too long after found myself a parking spot down the next street, as parking is awful around the Spiritualist church where the service was being held. I grabbed by handbag, gifts, card and sunglasses and started walking. At this point the shakes started, shaking uncontrollably. Somehow I managed to remove a cigarette from the packet and light it without setting myself on fire. Shakily smoking I walked on and finally arrived in front of the hall.

I stood there smoking then noticed a few faces a recognised, tears streaming down my face as I hugged them. I finished my ciggie and walked into the hall. No seats were left, so I stood at the back. Within 5 mins more people arrived and the whole hall was full. The service was beautiful, the words spoken so kind, I shed many tears, especially when they carried in the coffin, it seemed so small. I shook so much I am sure the people next to me were wondering if I was plugged in. The song they played at the end was I’m forever flowing bubbles, the song of west ham his favourite football club. A song that made me cry and smile, we all sang.

The service ended and we all went outside, I then got the chance to give the girls their gifts, the younger of the two excited at receiving chocolate. bless. I went and chatted to those I had not seen in years. Infact the last time I saw many of them was at the funeral of Fred another friend we all knew and hung around with.

We all started walking toward the cemetery a few roads along, stood by the gate and waited for the hearse to pass by. We continued to walk behind and up onto a steep hill. He chose a fab spot to be buried, such a perfect view of the town. A few words were spoken, most of us were given a sunflower to throw onto the coffin, then the pallbearer offered soil to throw, not saying a word, just holding the wooden box out. Nobody walked forward, I felt slightly agitated that nobody came forward. I then took it upon myself to be the first. being bought up catholic (although now not religious) I knew the meaning of throwing soil over the coffin. Only one other person came forward to do the same. I felt it odd, but none the less was not to question.

At the wake drinks flowed, I stuck to lemonade as being on meds did not want to risk falling asleep and dribbling. Listened to the stories, the laughter, the sadness. We had expected his coffin to resemble a monolith from his fave film Space Odyssey, maybe star wars theme tune at some point too.

I left the pub at 7pm as was so tired and cold from smoking vast numbers of cigarettes outside. I came home feeling numb and tired. (m) being comforting and a good listener.

I awoke this morning confused and did not go to work. I called my local care team and got a call back, it helped me to talk to someone impartial, I felt better afterwards.

I think it will take me some time to get over his loss. There are few people who have truly been my friends, he was one of them.

Tomorrow is another day. I grateful that I am on meds, as otherwise I would have been a complete mess. Dips and peaks have been more than usual, but the meds took off the stings in the tails.

Obviously whether you have a mental illness or not the death of someone close is always traumatic. But for me it would have meant several weeks off work, compulsive buying and erratic behaviour. Thankfully were avoided, although I did spend £20 in Claire’s accessories which for me seemed a tad excessive, although stopped myself from buying more when I realised what I was doing.

Anyhoo wedding to go to this Saturday so a happy event.

Mood: Cotemplative

Lament Configuration - Death of a Dear Friend

2007-08-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

Just got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognise, answered and remembered a voice, haven’t heard from her in a very long time. She said she was phoning me with request from Jo, and then the dreaded words.. ‘Mark died last Saturday, I am sorry’. I was in shock. I knew he was going to die, he was terminally ill with leukaemia, in his early thirties, he had far outlived his predicted lifespan over three years. Mark was a fab friend, I always made sure I would at least see him a few times a year as life gets in the way and we cannot all be everywhere at once. He took me under his wing when I first moved to Buckinghamshire at the tender age of 18, never did he try to make a move on me, preferring to be my pal. I remember the wild parties he would hold, the drinking and the smoking of pot. I would always pop to the shop in the mornings and get milk and tea for all the sleepy bodies at the flat. Funeral is on Monday which I will definitely be going to. Rest in Peace Mark, you will always be remembered for your kindness, your fab personality and fab memories.

Mood: Sad

Lament Configuration - Silky Chocolate Whisps

2007-08-15T07:49:00.000-07:00

Alice opened her eyes and breathed in, at first just a blur of muted colour washed over them, she blinked and slowly the world around her began to focus. Or at least she thought, a whispy haze surrounded her, as she breathed out she could feel soft smoke roll sensually over her tongue, teasing over her bottom lip and emerging into it’s nest that surrounded her. It was now that the taste decided to rear its sultry behind, notes of cinnamon, spice and the darkest bite of chocolate plucked at her taste buds. Fleeting from one taste to another, her nose becoming tickly with the aroma of the whispy haze, hints of vanilla and bay leaf. She lay back and let the haze enter her lungs and probe into her inner being. There she lay, blissfully unaware of what lay past the sultry haze.

Mood: Creative

Lament Configuration - Conclusion of the Chicken Feast

2007-08-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

This is what happened last night; Managed to leave work a little early to go buy veg on way home to go with Margery the chicken. The rest went like this;

Got home.
Chopped Veg.
(M) went to get Margery from shed.
Filled bucket of scalding water.
Put surgical gloves on.
Dipped Margery into water.
Plucked Margery as best I could.
Dipped again.
Plucked again.
Noticed Margery wanted to go to the toilet.
Took Margery to toilet and helped her poo.
Placed Margery onto a new chopping board.
(M) proceeded to chop Margery’s head, legs, wings, gutted her.
Memories flooding back from the smell of chicken poo and entrails.
I smiled.
Discovered that Marg had a nice egg inside her, all rubbery and translucent (not yet hardened, 3 small orange round things (presumably pre-eggs), and lots of pea sized small orange round things.
Was fascinating.
Like a little production line in front of my eyes!
Gave Margery a wash.
Plucked a few more quils out.
Placed Margery in Oven.
Veg on stove boiling as forgot about the blasted veg.
Bleached the bucket and sink.
Took rubbish out.
Wiped surfaces with detergent.
Washed arms and hands with soap and rinsed.

Now sitting at computer feeling very emotional and weirdly not hungry. Have now come down off my high and feel not that good. Hope I have the will to eat her later. I hoped that Margery would make me happy, she did but now I feel like crap. Maybe I wish I was in that place again, as a child, free to explore outdoors, the apple of my fathers eye. Somehow tonight’s experience was not the same, I feel being in a flat may not have given the right setting. I dunno, maybe I am just tired. I feel empty. Extremely frustrated with myself.

Anyhoo back to Marg; Dinner was finally served at around midnight, with all the trimmings. I decided not to eat Marg as I was soon to go to bed, so ate veg and tats. (m) ate a large portion of her though and didn’t grumble. I did taste Marg and she tasted nice but tough. (m) commented that she was a tough old bird. Indeed she was. lol Next time will ask for a plucked one that is younger, prolly be a couple of pounds more in price but will still be cheaper than normal organic free range from shop. Thanks for making me smile Margery.

Mood: Crushed

Lament Configuration - Yum Fresh Chicken

2007-08-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

WARNING: veggies and the like avoid reading as this may upset you. Last week I visited my local organic butcher and asked him if he knew of anywhere I could get whole chickens (all fur, guts intact, head and feet, the whole thing). He doesn’t sell them as legislation now requires butchers to have a separate area for feathered birds to be butchered. To avoid bird cross contamination and the like. Many butchers no longer sell proper chickens, they are mostly all nicely plucked, gutted, head and feet removed and washed. Convenience I suppose.

Anyhoo I told him of my yearning to be able to get fresh chickens as I used to love plucking and preparing chickens as a child. My father used to come home with a live one once a week (in a black sack). He would go into the garage and then I would watch as the chicken sometimes was too quick and my father would be running around the garage chasing it. Once caught a quick pull and twist of neck and it was over in seconds. The old fashioned way, no stunning beforehand, very quick and effective and the bird doesn’t feel a thing. If you faff and do not know what you are doing then the bird will flap and squeal and it will be painful. Anyhoo I grew up with this, my relatives owned farms when I was a child, my mother grew up on a farm. Have farm blood in me. My butcher gave me a number of a local farm that he gets his free range organic eggs from and said maybe they could help me.

I was smiling as I left the shop. So fast forward to today, I call the farm and an old lady replies. I ask her that I would like a dozen eggs and if I could come over after work. She says it is fine and that I should look for her son and grandson they will be around the farm somewhere. So at home time I set off to the farm, drive down the pot holed lane toward the farm in my little jeep. I turn a sharp corner to be met by the farmer and his son. I stop. I pop my head out of the window and said

‘Are you the farmer?’ lol I have wanted to say that for so long (Withnail and I).

I ask if he is Mr xxxxx, he says ‘yes’. ‘My butcher gave me your number, I phoned earlier, I have run out of eggs, could I buy some from you please?’ I say.

‘Yup’, he says, ‘that’ll be a pound’ (pronounced pund).

Off he goes and returns with the eggs.

I then say ‘this may sound odd but I am trying to find someone that will sell me a chicken, all the bits’, I then tell him the farm story.

‘ohh, well I have people that ask for them now and again, you want one now?’ he says.

‘Yes please’ I say.

‘Alive?’ he says.

I say ‘ well I need it dead as I cannot very well have a chicken running around the flat, what will the neighbours think!’.

‘Ohh, you want its neck wrung, I don’t really like doing it, can’t you do it?’ he says.

Now I am thinking he is trying to gauge a reaction to see if I am a genuine or some crazed veggie undercover.

I said ‘I haven’t done it for years and wouldn’t trust myself enough to do it right’. ‘OK I’ll be right back and see what I can do, we have an old chicken which you can have for a pund’, he says.

Around 30 secs later he returns with freshly killed chicken which I place into a carrier bag from my car. I thank him many, many, times. He is happy for me to return when I need any more eggs or chickens. I left the farm with a warm and nostalgic feeling running through me, patting the warm chicken beside me, I smiled all the way home. Am still smiling. Chicken is now hanging in the shed, will look forward to plucking it tomorrow afternoon outside and educating the children on the estate on where their nuggets come from. River Cottage meets 2 bed flat, I shall give this bird the respect and care in preparation, I shall use all its bits and it will be a most fabulous meal. I am going back to my roots and it feels good.

Mood: Cheerful

Lament Configuration - Silent Torment

2007-08-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

As cold as an offshore oil rig, the sound of the waves crashing against the rig, the sound of the generators humming. Flickering lights, mist in the corridors, not a human in sight. No essence left to be extracted from the depths, no more life, a lonely vampire it sits, waits and sighs. (my own words) x

Mood: Cold

Lament Configuration - Sociopath

2007-08-04T07:22:00.000-07:00

Currently having a sociopathic surge, I cannot relate to anyone, have lost another friend I think, cannot seem to trust anyone, not even my parents. These thoughts have plagued me one and off over the years but not to the extent they do now. Maybe its a realisation that those I looked up to (i.e my dad) I no longer look up to, I thought he had all the answers, that he knew what he was going on about. Realised he doesn’t and possibly didn’t in the past.

I went to a wedding reception on Friday, stood aorund most of the time, nobody approached me, but I didn’t really want them to. I am sure I projected this with an icy stare all evening.

I trust (m) , but sometimes find it hard to control my thoughts.

Am in a limbo at the moment, am more stable than I have ever been yet the darkness sticks to me like tar. More tablets they would say, I would say ’sod off’, more tablets and I will not be able to work, drive or even eat properly. Maybe ECT is the answer.

Bah tis all me, me, me. That is the part that really pisses me off. I don’t want fucking sympathy, I don’t want advice on CBT and other therapies, I want to sodding live on an island on my bloody own so that I don’t have to listen to the constant whining of other people.

Mood: Irritable

Lament Configuration - August Bloom

2007-08-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

Well July seemed rather a low point for me. Hopefully August will be better.ok so rant time Went to my local surgery today to get a repeat prescription as on Monday I run out of the Mirtazapine and mid week next week will run out of the Depakote. So I ask for both, except the Depakote isn’t on my file. Now the last time I saw the psychiatrist she said she would send info to my doctor and that I was to then get my prescriptions from my doctor. Well as I said computer said no. Anyhoo after much grumbling I can go collect the Mirtazapine on Monday but have to see the doc on Tuesday (not my usual doc as she is on hols) in order to get the Depakote. Plus on Monday I need to call the psych team in order for them to send approval to my doc surgery for the Depakote. You would think with all the modern gadgetry (phones, faxes, emails, post) that a simple task of passing on important information would happen. Like hell it does.

Anyhoo went to have a meeting with someone who is doing a research project at Kings college today. Was rather interesting, almost had a wobbly when I got in the lift of the building, hadn’t looked at how many floors there were on outside but when he pressed number 6 in the lift I felt a tad whoozy. A sometimes (yes its odd as it depends on the building) get vertigo. But alas wasn’t so bad and I couldn’t see out of the windows too much as I am only 5ft 0.

Test room was ok, rather bland and chair wasn’t big enough for me to sit comfortably in. I adore big chairs. Anyhoo after 2 hours or so of blabbering on and answering questions and a fag break I was released back into the wild. Proceeded to walk back to the station without getting lost in the maze of streets that surround the whole complex. Got a couple of rastafarians pass me by and tell me that I was gorgeous. I just walked on and tried very hard not to burst out laughing as today I resembled a floating lampshade.

Anyhoo must dash off, time for meds then bed.

bipolar_twist aka twisted_angel lol must get around to putting all blogs and ramblings in one place. x

Mood: Chipper

Lament Configuration - Hmm rough seas today

2007-07-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

what is the point. I will never be loved. I have no soul left. Then they moan when I show nothing. Yet they still take and will take until I lay there bald.

Mood: Cranky

Lament Configuration - Pah! What was I worrying about

2007-06-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

updates:16/06/07Took first tablet at 10.30am this morning, feeling ok at moment. Need bread and milk but don’t want to drive at the moment. may try later if am ok.

11.45am

Feeling whoozy.

5.00pm

Feeling a little sleepy so decided i wanted to bake a pudding. Felt ok to drive, went to shop, purchased ingredients and came home.

6.00pm

Proceeded to prepare and bake complex pudding, washed dishes, filled dishwasher, prepared sausages and placed into oven. Pudding finished and was perfect.

7.30pm

Stopped as may turn into manic episode and will want to clean the whole flat. Now relaxing.

17/06/07

Today have clarity writing lots, head feels clear. Feel good. Only side effect is my hearing, loud noises are more amplified. Apart from that wonderful.

8.50pm

Still feeling good, hungry waiting for dinner to cook. Shall be ok to go to work tomorrow which is a bonus. Am still able to work. phew.

Mood: Calm

Lament Configuration - Bread and butter pudding with a twist

2007-06-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

Felt a bit tired earlier no doubt due to new meds so I thought I would pop up the shop and buying some ingredients to make a bread and butter pudding.

Spent an hour preparing ingredients (grating 175g of green and blacks white chocolate is a tad dangerous mind). Anyhoo pudding is done, dirty dishes in dishwasher, sausages in oven. Now I relax before I go into full blown mania and clean the whole flat lol

Recipe as follows;

White chocolate, whisky and croissant butter pudding (whisky optional)

Serves 4-6

Preparation time less than 30 mins

Cooking time 30 mins to 1 hour

Ingredients 500ml/17fl oz milk500ml/17fl oz double cream1 vanilla pod, split lengthways

3 free-range eggs

5 free-range egg yolks

200g/7oz caster sugar

4 large ready-made croissants, sliced

25g/1oz sultanas

25g/1oz butter, melted

175g/6oz white chocolate, grated

3 tbsp whisky

55g/2oz apricot jam

icing sugar, to dust

To serve

vanilla ice cream sprig fresh mint, to garnish

Method 1. Preheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6.

2. Pour the milk and cream into a pan, add the vanilla pod and bring slowly to the boil.

3. Crack the eggs into a large mixing bowl with the egg yolks and sugar and beat together until pale and fluffy.

4. Lay the croissant slices over the base of an ovenproof dish, slightly overlapping the pieces. Sprinkle with the sultanas and pour over the melted butter.

5. When the cream mixture has reached boiling point, take it off the heat and allow to cool slightly. Add the egg mixture and grated chocolate to the cream and stir well. Set aside for a few minutes to allow the chocolate to melt, stirring occasionally.

6. Add the whisky to the cream mixture, then strain the cream through a sieve over the croissants. Remove the vanilla pod.

7. Cover the dish with foil and bake in the oven for 15-20 minutes, or until almost set.

8. Remove from the oven, coat the top with the jam and dust with icing sugar. Heat with a mini-blowtorch to caramelise the top, or place under a hot grill.

9. To serve, allow the pudding to reach room temperature and serve with a scoop of ice cream and a sprig of mint, to garnish.

Mood: Hungry

Lament Configuration - Diagnosis

2007-06-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

First visit to psychiatrist today (finally!), was there for an hour and half (lasted longer than it should have), mainly due to me having to spill my entire life history in order to reach a diagnosis. Conclusion: am a certified manic depressive (or if yer posh bipolar). Have been prescribed Depakote, a mood stabiliser initially meant as an anti-convulsant for epileptics but now widely used to treat mania. Couldn’t be put on anti-psychotics as they may induce my heart palpitations. Which leaves Lithium if I dont get on with Depakote. Still to continue taking Mirtazapine for my depressive dips.

So I shall be rattling soon as am going to be on 750mgs of Depakote and 30mgs of Mirtazapine a day. Also need to get a blood test done every week or so to check my sodium levels and make sure my liver stays alive.

Psychiatrist was cool, nice lady, very thorough. Rang my parents, mum was ok with it, happy I am finally get correct treatment. Dad was apprehensive and kept moaning about getting hooked and that he thinks they dish out meds to anyone. (dad hasn’t come to terms that his daughter has a mental illness, he believes psychological aliments don’t exist). So am just ignoring the grumpy sod as at least have mum for support. Anyhooo don’t y’all worry, am ok, just need to be on right meds to ‘prevent’ me getting ill.

Mood: Calm

Lament Configuration - Hot poker through the skull

2007-05-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

Haven’t blogged in a while. Yesterday was very forgetful. It was getting rather silly. Came home with dinner (chips) and looked in the fridge for the ketchup, couldn’t find it, was asking (m) if he had it, he didn’t. Then he said I was being silly and that it was on the table. Which it was. I could not recall putting it there at all! Also forgot various shopping items I was supposed to get, even though I had written the items down.At 11pm am sitting watching TV when I had what I can only describe as someone stabbing a hot poker into an area on the right of my forehead. Not surface pain but brain stabbing pain. Alas nausea followed and I stayed calm and tried to stop the onset of a rapid cycle. After 5 mins I quickly took my meds and went to bed. Lots of tossing and turning but eventually fell asleep. Woke up with no rapid cycling but have had a fluffy head all day.

I pondered today at the thought I may have a brain tumour, but after much thought knew I was being a tad silly. I have had many rapid cycling’s before. I now know what they are and how to deal with them. Wish I knew this years ago as back then I thought I was just having bad migraines, yet they were not headaches or migraines as one minute I would be fine and the next on the floor crying, no painkiller could stop it, no sleep or dark room could stop it.

Anyhoo just blogging otherwise I may forget.

Ohhh finally I got a referral letter from local psychiatric services. Booked my first appt with psychiatrist in two weeks time. I wonder what he will be like.

Off to watch some films and relax.

Mood: Calm

Lament Configuration - Wool and Knots

2007-05-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

Visited my GP today (the female one), to review my medication and hopefully get a referral for the research thing I want to take part in.She gave me 2 months supply of my meds which is useful and cheaper.She couldn’t sign the form yet as I need to be assessed first. So she is referring me to the psychiatric services in town, at last! She couldn’t understand why I wasn’t referred earlier. Well maybe because my main doctor (the male) said I wasn’t suicidal enough to be referred. Defeats the object I said, surely giving me help before I get too bad is more useful.

Anyhoo at last I will be able to speak to a specialist and hopefully better care. Should here from them pretty soon she said.

Went to the local mad hatters tea party in the afternoon (tis what I call the local charity meeting place for those of us who have lost a few marbles). Joined in the activities which consisted of standing in circle and holding hands crossways to create a big knot. We then had to undo the knot without breaking the knot. Nobody wanted to hold my hands at first, a tad annoying. We tried to unravel ourselves but our group got impatient and let go.

We then had to mess about with real wool and arty stuff, I then got bored and went outside for a ciggie. Truth be told was getting annoyed with one of the people in there. During the arty stuff we passed around a large ball of wool and were told what it symbolised to each of us. It was big white and fluffy and unravelled as we passed it on. Most said things like, rabbit, hat, wool, pillows etc… I said intestine, then a voice piped up ‘I was going to say that! I ignored her and passed the large fluff along. She then had the fluff and said ‘its a tape worm’. I then had enough as I don’t want to be playing the attention game with people. She is the one in the group that likes the attention and I challenged that. So I left her and them to it.

Sat in the garden smoking ciggies and drinking camomile tea. Wondering what the hell I was doing there, am too different to them, am strong, younger and prettier, I still work, I can function just about. I was surrounded by people I share something in common with, mental illness, yet I am alone, am different, the wolf.

Remember the film girl interrupted? Angelina Jolie, Winona Ryder, Brittany Murphy. Angelina’s character Lisa, just like me when I am not well. I relate to that character, the no fear, the lack of soul in the eyes, the way people feel intimidated by her.

Anyhoo I digress, where was I….My journey continues, what revelations will the shrink unfold? Will they too become confused? Am I ok with being classified? Time will tell.

Mood: Bored

Lament Configuration - Gilbert and George

2007-05-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

I watched a programme last night about Gilbert and George the Contemporary Artist. Or rather artists, but they like to see themselves as one entity.The both walked at the same pace, moved in the same way, collected things, lots of the same thing. Took many, many pictures of the same piece of art they created and then filed and catalogued them in sections according to subject and then date.It was fascinating.

Anyhoo I sit here thinking, what the hell am I doing. I don’t want to be here. Yet why can I not just walk out of the door. Because I would lose everything if I did so. I want to keep my home thus I suffer.

I can only be honest, problem is most people don’t like hearing the naked truth.

Mood: hmmmm

Lament Configuration - Losing time

2007-05-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

Last night it seems I had an episode, I cannot remember when it started. But I ‘woke’ up in (M)s arms in the bedroom, head pounding, eyes swollen, feeling very tired. A little while after I took my meds and was asleep on the sofa within 10 mins. (M) helped me to bed where I finally settled down into a long deep sleep. I look like death this morning, eyes still swollen, pale skin, healthy I do not look. Am going to pop along to local meeting place this Friday, let my hair down for a couple of hours. I have no idea if it will help, but its worth a try. I cannot do any work today as almost all my pc is corrupted. (J) is back therefore cannot use his machine. So I may sort out the incorrectly named files that the temp created. Boring but will keep me occupied.

Mood: Cold

Lament Configuration - Can I have a word

2007-04-26T07:39:00.000-07:00

Is what my boss said earlier. So I walk into his office. He asks if I have heard the latest conversations, I say I have been to busy to listen in.Basically when we move upstairs again I shall have someone working with me. Someone who does what I do, but that has the title and will have the salary too. Apparently they will gather the technical info whilst I do the publishing and illustrations. Now I am a little pissed off because I know how everything works and have managed to get manuals out on time despite the workload. yet I am to be this other persons equal, not their manager, their equal. Trouble is finding someone who won’t mind being equal as many that will apply will be men and used to working alone. Tis going to be tricky. But maybe this is the kick I need to leave this dreaded prison.

Ponders.

Mood: Annoyed

Lament Configuration - Very large dark cloud overhead

2007-04-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

Am sitting at my desk looking out of the window, this cloud is huge, may turn into a thunder cloud. Hopefully will do, as then as usual there will be a power cut. I like power cuts. I like the silence.Emailed a London Uni yesterday with view to hopefully being a guinea pig for one of their studies. Also forwarded them to my journal, hopefully they won’ fall into a very deep sleep reading it all. Anyhoo shall get my signed form from doc and see how it goes from there. Will write more about it when it happens.Am quite happy today. I really like the temp I have under my wing at the moment. A couple of years younger than me, not really a girly girl. She smokes so we have one thing in common. She is quite sweet. Could she be a friend? All depends on whether my character will blow her out of the water or not. I may ask her out shopping or something, to gauge what she can handle. If she doesn’t mind an eccentric gal being around her then I may have a new friend.

My best pal texted the other day to say long time no speak. i think I maybe losing that one. Maybe only see her once a month now, yep sounds much better.

ohh must dash, boss on the prowl.

mood: Happy

Lament Configuration - Moo Cow

2007-04-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

Have just had a quick look at my last few posts and realised that I appear to be a bloody miserable cow! Let me assure you that I am not in the pit of despair all the time. I just tend to want to write when I am depressed, can write when am manic but am far too busy doing lots of other things that I do not get around to it.Anyhoo am sitting at my desk at work, it is deathly quiet considering there are 6 of us in here. I am secretly hoping they have mysteriously died all of a sudden but on closer inspection it seems they are still alive and well. bugger.

Have decided I will not do any work until after lunchtime, hopefully my eyes will have stopped itching then.

I am doing it again, I am being miserable. I suppose I find it difficult to write about happy things, it seems so over the top, so fake to write about happiness. I feel a duty to those that read that are not happy, I feel they may feel worse if I show all the happiness. Really…. I find it rude. The same as when people are engaged in lustful snoggings in front of people, its rude. How selfish to want to show complete strangers how much you want to procreate with each other. Do they spare a thought for those strangers, of whom could be widowed, abused, anxious, upset etc… I find it most odd and usually want to whack the couple around the head with a large stick when they act in such a way.

So is it possible to write something uplifting. It is yes, I read a book about a dog a while back. Made me laugh and smile, then the sodding mutt had to go and die at the end didn’t he. I hated the author for that. Why not just end it lightly with less pages eh? Or do we thrive on despair these days what with autobigs of abuse and mental breakdown. Loads of them out there at the moment. How depressing!

ok there are sounds coming out of the bodies in the office, must dash

Mood: Cheerful

Lament Configuration - Would rather be milking a cow

2007-04-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

I am so very tired. Last night (before bed) I had a few hours of cycling. They were really bad, I thought by head was going to explode. Each cycle lasted about 10-30 mins at a time. Then a calm period then cycle again. First time I have cycled whilst on these meds. Hope it does not reoccur.Imagine a very bad migraine, hurts to even open your eyes. Every sound is amplified many times over. Every slight sound delivers a sharp stab into your head. You desperately want to cut your skull open and relieve the pressure.That is what it was like last night not pleasant. (M) was very understanding. I personally do not understand what he sees in me anymore, I am an empty shell.

I really must print out my CV tonight to then post it, I need to at least try, post it and forget about it. I have hardly any energy at all with regard to finding a new job. I purchased all my Indian head massage bits to find that nobody wants an Indian head massage. Although I haven’t told that many people, but hey what can you do. My zest for life has been zapped.

I have a pregnant sister, am trying to be all happy for her. To be honest have hardly any excitement for it. Another thing I need to spend money on and yet have no money to spend. Am really sick of everything.

Mood: Exhausted

Lament Configuration - Alone

2007-04-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

I am not handling today very well. I really want to speak to someone, but cannot. I could go and chat to the HR lady who I get on with. But I may well confuse her. She is not in the position to help, nor does she understand enough. I usually get home and log into my PC, I yearn to chat to someone. Someone interesting, that isn’t after one things, general laughable banter. But there is no-one. I have no friends. (S) tends to call on me for help, but I do not feel that she can do the same. every time I mention myself I hear myself and feel like I am booming to the world ‘this is me’. That isn’t what is happening at all. People like to listen to me, I just get anxious and think they do not want to listen, that if I continue they will think I am an attention seeker. I am and always have constantly fought myself and my emotions. Sometimes I get it right, I react how I really feel I should react, I speak how I should speak, what feels right again, and so on. One of the most difficult things about manic depression is once you are (out of the dark box) i.e now freely admitting you are many marbles lost, is explaining to people who do not have that particular illness.

Take my mother for example, she has in the past suffered with depression. But she really cannot get her head around the manic thing, neither can she get her head around me thinking about wanting to kill myself all the time.For her depression was worrying too much and not being able to sleep. In reality I think she suffered with anxiety episodes rather than depression. Anyhoo where was I. Ahh yes, she cannot understand how my brain all of a sudden wants me to die, yet I really do not want to die. I tell her it is not something I consciously think, I don’t want to die, I like living lots thanks. But its all too messy for her to grasp. I tell her what the hell does she think its like for me? I have a full blown hurricane whirling around my head every bloody day. Its a wonder I can walk, talk and function. I persist though and maybe one day the light bulb will appear and she will understand. Until then my behaviour can be misinterpreted but am now trying not to give a rats buttocks about it.I have decided I cannot be bothered to spell check my document. Should be legible though, just about.

Mood: Cotemplative

Lament Configuration - Silent

2007-04-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

Well I am at work and I am feeling somewhat uneasy so have decided to blog. Thankfully I have not written this down as I am using far too many trees with that method. Really must type up my ramblings to electronic copy at some point. Anyhoo I am quiet because I am in that mood, I don’t want to interact with anybody, I want to fall asleep really. (J) my work colleague is off ill, apparently he has swollen up and is very ill. Well ever since we employed him again I always thought he never did look well, he looked ill to me, all the time. He may be working himself to a grave at this rate, extra cash for a home is silly, your health is more important. ohh well eh. (R) is constantly walking past me like a busy bee, I find him rather annoying.This morning was rather distant with (M), I cannot help it in the mornings I don’t like to talk to touch any other human beings. It repulses me.

How I wish this building would burn down, it would make life so much easier.

hmmmmm I really hope that today passes very quickly.

Mood: Tired

Lament Configuration - Update on my teeth

2007-04-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

Got braces (plastic trays that fit over teeth) last Tuesday. I also had two ceramic tiny buttons placed on two molars. That evening buttons broke off. Returned to clinic on Weds, buttons applied again. Thursday afternoon right button broke off, I call the emergency number and leave message. Thursday evening I get a call back and am to go back next Tuesday morning and they will make a new set of lowers (set of 10 that is). They should fit better this time.

So have only been wearing the uppers as the lowers were cutting my tongue due to not fitting properly.

I have drastically cut down on my smoking as I have to remove brace, have a ciggie, rinse mouth out, rinse brace out then pop it back in.

So it is going ok for now, can definately feel teeth moving, so it is working. Had a look at all my impressions for upper and lower in the box, they also come with models of my teeth at each two week stage. (I change the trays every two weeks). The difference between trays 1 and 10 are amazing. It should only take 5 months to get to the stage where bottom crowding has been pushed forward. I suppose the second batch will push them out further and then they will shave a few teeth to make more gaps. So this year involves widening, next year involves moving teeth back and finally straight.

Found some fab mouthwash, bubblegum flavour! kiddies mouthwash but I don’t care, tastes nice and has no alcohol in it too.

Anyhoo thats all for now.

p.s. incredibly boring I know, but all I think about is teeth at the moment, almost obsessive.

Mood: obsessive

Lament Configuration - Doggie Communication

2007-04-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

Just arrived home from an interesting dog walk…

Set out earlier with Marley, walked around the park once then I headed in the direction of the woods, suddenly heard dogs barking. I turned around to see an old lady in the distance, yorkie on lead and chihuahua under her arm. Also what seemed to be a stray collie type dog hassling her.

So I turned around and walked into the park again, by now the woman and the dogs had dissapeared. So I contiuned the second walk around the park, as Marley was getting a little hot in the sunshine and the walk to the woods would have been too long for him. Then out of the blue the collie appears and will not leave Marley alone. Collie keeps trying to mount Marley and Marley keeps swearing at it. So I take Malrey home with stray firmly following behind. Put Marley inside and go back outside.

I look at the collar for an ID tag, none to be found. Now I take a good look at him and am sure I know who he belongs to and the rough location of where they live. So I attach a lead to the collar and take stray for a walk to his home.

I walk across the park, as I am walking calmly saying ‘wheres your home, take me home’. Dog takes me along a path and straight to a front door. I ring the doorbell and door opens, dog walks in. Lady at the door is amazed, she didn’t even realise he had escaped! She thanked me and off I set back home. A good deed for easter.

Now I am going to relax, enough walking for today

Mood: Amused

Lament Configuration - Home Alone

2007-03-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

I am home with Marley aged 6, Moogie and Simba who are about aged 10. Marley has decided to retreat to his bed sulking. Simba is sitting in the kitchen hoping I will feed him dog food (nutro biscuits), he is addicted to them. Moogie is fast asleep on the sofa in the living room, as usual. I am sitting here typing, trying to take a break. Reason being is that I think I am about to hit a manic mood, I spent 20 mins cleaning the bathroom sink, descaling around the taps carefully. I then spent a good 5 mins cleaning the loo and have put some blue stuff into the bowl to shift the scale there. Now my brain really, really wants to clean the kitchen and the rest of the bathroom and hoover and dust and declutter the whole flat. I have to fight hard not do that. I just need to ride it out until medication time at 11.30pm Sounds odd doesn’t it, but if I start cleaning then it won’t stop and I will prolly enter a manic and when I take my meds they will do zilch and I won’t be able to sleep. So I shall go read a book to keep my brain occupied but not too stimulated. Cleaning can wait till tomorrow at a reasonable time.

Lament Configuration - Oops have injured myself

2007-03-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

Right hand decided to launch itself at a rather hard sticky outy knob on a door at work.

Are between thumb and index finger (ontop) has a big lump on it.

Really is quite painful if I move it.

Cannot pick things up or write.

Think I may have bruised or buggered up a tendon/ligament. Pressed on bone but bone doesn’t hurt so don’t think bone is broken.

Not sure whether to leave it till tomorrow to see if its any better or go down to a&e later and wait several hours.

I called my doc surgery shortly after it had happened, asking if they could splint it. They refused. Go to a&e they said.

Mood: Achey

Lament Configuration - Visit to the Quack

2007-03-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

So today I attended my monthly quack appointment, decided to go for the female quack at the surgery as the male quack is now annoying me somewhat. Male quack wants to take me off my meds and put me on Prozac, his reason (you’ll put on weight with the ones you are on (which are Mirtazapine). Well male quack is talking poop, have gained slightly but that’s because I cannot be arsed to exercise at the moment due to so many dips. I wasn’t happy about the prospect of being very ill on prozac seeing as I reacted very badly to last meds I had. Therefore chose the female quack this time around. Female quack was very helpful and she hates Prozac anyway. Now my meds are by no means perfect but they have capped my manic peaks. Problem is I get a 3 hour depressive dip every morning. I explained I didn’t want to be given a cocktail of anti-depressants and mood stabilisers as I will prolly end up not being able to work. So we both agreed to double my dosage which in theory should lessen the dips. Won’t be perfect but it will be more bearable. It may also uncap my mania and supress my depression. So it is a bit of a gamble as to what my brain will do. But tis worth a try to see. The only change lately was the past two nights have had dips in morning then fine then evening dip again for a few hours. So tis a good thing am changing dosage. Feeling very much like a hamster in a wheel with no control on the blasted wheel. Anyhoo am looking forward to the results of increase in dosage

Mood: Crazy

Lament Configuration - I am going to be an auntie!

2007-03-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

My sister just called and told me that she is preganant! I am to be an auntie! now I feel old! Bonus as pressure is off for me to have one

I am so happy that I cannot think straight, my little sis (well not so little now she is 26) is going to have a sprog.

So now I need to make sure that I don’t waste any holidays, as I will be using them to travel over the river to South London often to check on her. My mum is estatic, my dad is over the moon and when my gran hears about it she will be dancing about.

Mood: Happy

Lament Configuration - 2 Bloody hours!

2007-03-06T07:16:00.000-08:00

I spent in the orthodontist surgery today. My orthodontist was trying depserately to take moulds of my teeth, the putty wasnt setting, finally after 6 sets of useless moulds she asks for help. Head ortho then takes over and uses the small trays, apparently I have the jaw the size of a childs jaw lol Anyhoo moulds with child trays did the job. Now I wait 4 weeks and then go back to pick up my new braces.

Am hoping that I will cut down on my smoking drastically as I would need to take them out each time I wanted a ciggie and then brush my teeth and put them back in. Hopefully will stop me smoking altogether which will be a bonus.

Now have jaw ache. Which I forgot again to ask about.

Mood: Grumbling

Lament Configuration - Oops cat may get severe runs tonight

2007-03-01T07:15:00.000-08:00

Just wormed my 2 cats with panacur chewy wormer tabs, gave skinny one 1/2 tab and larger cat 1 and 1/2 by accident (was supposed to give him 1 chewy tab). ooops he will have a large explosion from his behind tonight.

That’ll teach him to be a greedy little bugger.

Next is the dog, which requires me placing 3 white tablets into some cheese so he doesn’t notice. (different wormer by the way).

Mood: Amused

Lament Configuration - Teeth fixing starts in 5 weeks time

2007-02-27T07:13:00.000-08:00

Just returned from my consultation to see what the verdict was on fixing my overcrowded teeth.

Had the option of either:

fixed (white brackets, metal wire)

or

clear tray braces (clear shield that fits exactly over existing teeth).

This practice make their own version (UK company) of invisilgn (US version) and are exactly the same. Apart from price.

Cost for full treatment including all appointments, all braces and retainer for at the end = £3000.00

Cost for their fixed all inclusive is= £2500.00

After deliberating with my father and the orthodontist we all decided the clear would be the best.

So next week I go for a precise fitting and 4 weeks later shall get the new braces.

So in 5 weeks time shall have nice plastic see-through thingies on my teeth. After 18 months will have widened arches, straight teeth and no more biting my tongue all the time! whooohoo!

They also said that if what whatever reason I don’t get on with them or they aren’t working as well as I hoped, can change to fixed at no extra cost.

Am a happy lady.

Mood: Happy

Lament Configuration - Head Pounding

2007-02-20T07:10:00.000-08:00

Its 12.35pm and am at work. my head is pounding and am cycling (like having freight-train inside your head). Quite surprised as have been doing ok on these meds, but hey ho maybe not. Went to the loo earlier and noticed my bum is indeed much, much larger than before. So I have been delirious surely, thinking that they were working when infact all they do is make me a little dopey. Oh and the anger moods are back in the mornings, whereby I could kill someone. Not sure what to do. Am sick of fighting myself all the time. Am so tired of it.Trying to think positive, trying to tell myself that the HR lady will give me the job. But I have that niggling feeling at the back of my head, telling me she will humour me and then find some bizarre excuse as to why I cannot be given the job.

Keep shifting from thoughts of not living to thoughts of being indestructible and telling everyone to sod off. I don’t really know what I am thinking, I don’t know if I am happy or sad. I am stuck in a void today.

Head is like washing machine.

Wonders if anyone reads the drivel I write, comments are always welcome.

…….goes back to the grind

Mood: Cranky

Lament Configuration - Cloudy Sunday Afternoon

2007-02-18T07:08:00.000-08:00

Excuse the dire grammar and spelling in my previous post, was extremely tired.Am going to pop to the local supermarket in a bit, need a few food items. Looking forward to tomorrow, am going to ask the HR lady at work if I can apply for the HR Administrator post. Am really hoping that she will take me under her wing.

Will also be seeing my doctor tomorrow afternoon. Hoping that he will allow me to stay on the meds I am currently taking. They work and I have almost no side effects from them. Would like to stay on them for a few months until I have sorted my work situation out. Hopefully after a few months my sleep patterns will have stabilised and may try to then come off them.

Mood: Bored

Lament Configuration - Found fab Orthodontist at last

2007-02-16T07:07:00.000-08:00

Went for my consultation at a local Orthodontist. What a difference! Nice foreign lady with loverly Ukraine accent tended to me. She took x-rays, photos of teeth outside and inside mouth, moulds, wax impression, measured my teeth, measured my profile, checked my jaw (and noticed that it clicks and dislocates). She will take a look at the moulds and measurements and am to go back in two weeks time for conclusion and results. Consultation today, plus and x-rays and stuff plus my next appointment included = cost £60. Fantastic seeing as the Harley St one just looked at my teeth and took an expensive x-ray. cost £164 local clinic were very friendly, focused on my teeth and wellbeing rather than money. Am looking forward to my next appointment, will then have more info for ammunition against the Harley St clinic as I want that £95 back to give to my dad. Am feeling upbeat. Feel slightly odd as I could have asked for money for my birthday but they wanted to get me something that would be for me to make me happier. Not biting my tongue and hopefully no more clicky jaw will make me much happier.

Mood: Happy

Lament Configuration - My ramblings, overview of the weekend

2007-02-04T06:47:00.000-08:00

have an urge to blog so here come the ramblings. Am doing well on the happy pills, moods stable but feel boring if that makes any sense at all. Tried to inspire myself to re-write my CV and get back into putting heart and soul into finding a new job. Inspiration failed to arrive thus will try again next weekend. Still annoyed about being misled by a Harley St Orthodontist, so shall be writing to them to complain, insist on refund or I will go to the relevant association and trading standards and report them. Not sure if I explained in my last blog; basically in the first half of the consultation my father asked how much roughly the treatment would cost, the chap said around £2000. With a figure in mind that seemed reasonable, we then agreed to have the £95 x-ray, only after we had had the x-ray done and paid for x-ray and consultation did then they show us the quote which was £6000ish. Misled and he will be feeling my wrath! Anyhoo am booking an appointment with a local practice next week for a second opinion. Researching on t’internet have discovered there is a way of expanding my dental arches without extractions. So am assuming will need to wear fixed expanders plus fixed braces to fix my teeth. Much chewing on metal but am not bothered. Wanted to finish off a painting I had created last weekend as I feel it doesn’t quite look right to me. Again that will wait till next weekend to be finished. Did manage to do a load of washing, hoover the whole flat and empty all the bins today. Also popped over to see local person re: their dog with behavioural problems. Offered her free behavioural advice. So good deed done for the week too. Am now hungry and thus am off to go poke (M) as it is his turn to cook this evening. Thank you for reading my ramblings

Mood: Hungry

Lament Configuration - Very Annoyed

2007-02-02T06:45:00.000-08:00

Just been to London for a consultation at a Harley St Orthodontic practice. He (a chap who I could hardly understand due to having a stutter) advised that because I want my upper and lower jaws widened and teeth straightened without any more removal of teeth that the only option is an invisilign brace. Just to point out the main reason for wanting my teeth fixed is that I bite my tongue alot and cannot brush teeth perfectly as they are all overcrowded thus little cavities keeping appearing that need filling. So after paying £69 for the consultation and £95 for a fancy scan of my teeth below is what it would cost to give me a fab smile; Treatment plan and appliance made by Americans = £3422.00 Around 12 sessions where they fiddle about with the plastic tray braces = £2500.00 a permanent retainer = £1000.00 two veneers = £2000.00 Total nearly £9000.00 Me and my father (who would be the one who has offered to pay for treatment) were amazed. I cannot believe how expensive it is. I do not want any more teeth removed otherwise I will have only 4 molars left! how the hell would I chew anything properly!

So am going for a second opinion which will cost £60 and is closer (st Albans). If they too come up with the same answers I shall say no thanks. Will just have a couple of veneers and put up with biting my tongue for the rest of my life.

Mood: Annoyed

Lament Configuration - Back on the meds, but now sleeping nicely

2007-01-24T15:11:00.000-08:00

Well after 2 weeks of not sleeping (yes I mean not sleeping at all) and last week having a manic episode whereby I couldn’t stop talking about wanting to move to Nova Scotia…. (to the point of finding out all about emigrating, cutoms, the language, telling my parents etc.. ) I hit a big low at the weekend. A complete mess on Monday morning at work, went to docs Tuesday morning after much pleading with the receptionist. sat in waiting room with puffy wet eyes. Doc saw me pronto. He has given me Mirtazapine, which is a anti-depressant used for the severely depressed. Asked him if it would lower my manic moments and he said yes a little. Now the manic moments I can manage as they aren’t too severe, as long as i stay away from shops (buying too much). But its the lows that bugger me up more and do not let me sleep. So apparently this med will make me sleep well. Took first one last night and I had the most wonderful sleep. Woke up a little groggy, felt like I was drunk so took day off work. Feeling much better now so I should be able to go to work tomorrow. Only side effects so far is sleepy woolly feeling. So hopefully I won’t react badly to these meds. Apparently have to watch my food as these meds do make you want to eat lots and lots of sweet sugary food. Hence can be weight gain. Has been described as pot in a pill due to making you feel all stoned and having constant munchies. (M) is making sure I don’t raid the fridge in the night. So back on the pills for now. I couldn’t keep up the acupuncture, far too expensive at £35 a session. Put it this way a pack of pills costs £7.00 for one months supply, a months worth of acupuncture (once a week) costs £140.00. Angers me that the non side effect method is so bloody expensive but there you go. Even my doc was annoyed that he couldn’t refer me to an acupuncturist for my mental health, he can only refer if tis to do with pain relief and even then you only get 6 free sessions and have to pay top whack after that. Anyhoo no more ranting, need to go buy some ciggies

Mood: sick

Lament Configuration - About to hit the big 30

2007-01-11T15:09:00.000-08:00

this Sunday. I shall be celebrating by going to nice eatery with (M) and my family. Am looking forward to a nice relaxing birthday. Do I feel any different, nope still knackered. I still look the same as I did 10 years ago. Thanks mum for the fab genes. Shall be going for a consultation at a cosmetic dentistry place in London next month with view to getting braces. Good bye 20’s and hello 30’s.

Mood: Cheerful

Lament Configuration - Farewell to friendship

2006-12-27T15:07:00.000-08:00

today after much pondering I wrote an email to a friend, who I haven’t seen in months. I have tried numerous times to contact this person, been given excuses. Which is fine, people change their priorities, discover they no longer have anything in common etc… I have told them that I see the friendship has ended and have asked when they would like to meet up one last time to say goodbye and to give back/swap items we have borrowed from each other. Never again am I lending things out to people as they tend to hold on to them for 6 months plus! I wouldn’t mind but I can never get hold of this person.

Anyhoo life gets in the way, a friendship must end and so it will. Another friend I saw last month, had not seen this person for a long while too. This person asked that I come to see them, and the next week I did so only to find they were out. So I said I would try the following week at the same time. Again was given an excuse by text and a rather lame one. A week before xmas they text to ask (M’s) name for xmas cards. I do not reply. No card was sent. Now I tried on numerous occasions to call and visited to no avail. Thus another friendship I am saying goodbye too. I have no time for people who do not at least put a tiny amount of effort back into a friendship. A call once in a while would suffice as am not the kind of person to demand to see everyone or speak to everyone constantly.

I need to be alot tougher and really speak my mind, and that is exactly what I am doing. I am now off to go see a true friend and have a good old chinwag. This person understands me, and is a gem. Calls me even though they have a phone phobia. I help them out and they do the same, most of all they are honest. Brutally honest is what I like.

So 2007 shall start with a new vision, if I don’t like you or you don’t like me tis ok, but I will be honest and respectful of that fact and leave you to walk your path.

Mood: Contemplative

Lament Configuration - Interview Conclusion

2006-11-17T15:00:00.000-08:00

feeling slightly annoyed to say the least and here is why. I got there, calm, collected and ready to blow their socks off. I enter the reception and am met by a young lady who directs me to an office. She explains I am to do an excel test and then interview will follow in another room. I am given a piece of paper with some statistics on and am to calculate the average for them and then place file on floppy disk. Floppy disk? How old is their equipment! I then hand in my personal documents for them to check including my P60 to show NI number. Anyhoo I am given 10 minutes to do this task and am left to it. After 5 mins the program crashes, try my best to fix it, 10 minutes arrive and young lady returns. I explain program has crashed and she gives me a further 5 mins. I am now so pissed off I forget how to add a formula properly plus the fact they seem to be using a very old version of excel. So I try to add the formula and it keeps saying no. After 5 mins she returns I place what I have done which is only half the task onto floppy and hand it to her.

At this stage am very annoyed as on the forms I was sent it explained I would be doing word and excel tests. I assumed were proper tests that test for all aspects. But nope. Then got led into interview room where an old chap who is head of HR explained it was to test how you work under pressure. So not actually a test to see if you know how to use the programs they listed. Anyhoo after a few minutes the head of department walks in, she seems nice. This is the person who would be my superior. The first 30 mins of the interview went well and answered all questions fantastically. They were very impressed.

Then Mr HR pipes up about my P60, he notices that my salary is far greater than the top end of their scale for that position. He then goes on for about 10 minutes about how he cannot give me the top end salary. I tell him I am already lowing myself so that I will be on £1000 less than what I am currently and cannot go any lower. They explain that the other people who work there with my role aren’t even at top end yet.

Anyhoo to cut a long interview short the following points I felt were the bad point for me;

- they were looking to pay me £4000-5000 less than what I am on currently, although wouldn’t say what salary exactly, but gave impression of just above the low end of scale.

- I would be required to be very flexible with work times, could be called out at 5am in morning or late at night or weekends. No set work hours as crime doesn’t have set hours. Fair enough but for that money is taking the P***.

- Essential car user allowance would be £1000 per annum, there is a lease car scheme but allowance would hardly cover it. Plus could only apply for lease car after 6 months and then would have to tie into 3 year contract. So would be forced to use my own car which would end up falling to bits.

- After training would be given power to caution like the police do, I think bloody not with the piddly salary they give.

- After training may be required to climb trees or buildings to attempt to gain access with help of police. climb bloody trees? I love the outdoors but the list of requirements gets larger and the salary get smaller.

Anyhoo interview ended and I said thank you. I walked out of there very annoyed. I did gain some insight on how that department runs though and as to why we have no recycling bins yet etc… If they offer the job I shall be refusing. We all have a price and I am too expensive for them. Yes I am being realistic. I will loose my free-time, I will be in huge debt (already am), I will have a car that is falling to bits, I will have to climb trees. They can go take a flying F***. So shall continue my search after xmas.

Mood: Annoyed

Lament Configuration - Tomorrow is THE day

2006-11-16T15:05:00.000-08:00

ok I have got all paperwork in order (well several sheets), have filled out the huge medical form and have sore fingers from writing. Suit and shoes are ready. All that is left to do is to whittle down the several sheets to 2, look at info one last time this evening. I now need to wash my hair, bath/shave, pluck my eyebrows. Tomorrow morning shall get the car cleaned in morning, gather notes and check them, wash, have breakfast, apply make-up, blow nose and head off for interview. Am feeling rather manic today and have rushed about like a Tasmanian devil. Hardly eaten anything apart from 2 packets of crisps and half a banana. Nervous? yes, but will be fine when am at interview, just hate the anticipation bit.

Mood: Anxious

Lament Configuration - Need more cabinets inside head

2006-11-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

Space is running out. I am nervous but also excited about my interview this Friday. Have been revising each evening for a couple of hours. Have been; learning the environmental protection act, Defra guidance on the act, what schemes other councils or organisations have/are using, questions to ask interviewer, questions they may ask me, trying to remember key points about my work history, writing examples of schemes I would like to try and implement, trying to figure out what to do with my long hair (obviously up-do, but which style?), trying to keep up to date with my knowledge of word and excel (will be tested and finally trying not to be too overwhelmed with all this info buzzing around in my head. I just want it over and done with and an answer to be made ASAP, the suspense is killing me. I need this job, I want this job, I want to be away from my horrid workplace before xmas. Having nails done tomorrow which should make me feel a little better as currently I have 9 talons that curve, one broke off. Want nice straight not too long nails that look natural. Thursday I have a day off (as well as Friday), am going to pluck, shave, preen to perfection and get an early night. Look forward to Friday afternoon when it’ll be over and I can finally relax a little whilst waiting for that all important phone call or letter which will prolly take ages to arrive.

Mood: Anxious

Lament Configuration - woot fireworks mummy?

2006-11-04T14:56:00.000-08:00

Simba (cat) is asleep on sofa in study, Moogie (cat) is asleep in bedroom. Marley is asleep in living room. (M) is playing a game on the xbox 360, volume just above normal. Windows open in living room. Fireworks going off outside. Not a stir from the household pets. We are both chilled which is what must be rubbing off on our furry ones. Less we panic, less they panic. We are lucky, we are also patient. I wish all others with pets a not too stressful evening. My advice, turn tv up and act perfectly normal, reward when they are calm. It will all be over after the weekend

Mood: Calm

Lament Configuration - Finally

2006-11-02T14:53:00.000-08:00

I have been offered an interview for a job I really want in two weeks time. Am over the moon. Rang my parents to tell them, mum was over the moon, dad was ummming and ahhhing. His gripe his that it seems I will have to use my own car as a work vehicle. They offer essential user car allowance whatever that may be. I won’t know specific details until at interview. Anyhoo I shall be working for the local authority now does this allowance include wear and tear, breakdowns, repairs? If anyone knows how this allowance works when working for government would be most useful. For now I am going to get myself booked in for nails and hair and go shopping for a nice suit. Ohhh and discover the joy of downloading the environmental protection act which is huge and trying to learn it all by heart. Am very happy tho

Mood: Cheerful

Lament Configuration - Moving on up

2006-10-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

well last Monday was my third acupuncture session and let me just say this time it felt blooming amazing afterwards. A very notable difference, I floated out of the premises. That evening once home I felt normal and I have not felt like that for a long, long time. I could think clearly, my mind was nicely balanced, my moods at ease. I was very happy indeed. I thought that maybe it would only last that evening; maybe I was just having a very good release of endorphins. But it has lasted all week and I am very impressed.

My acupuncturist also gave me some herbal tablets to try for the week. I was to take eight tablets 3 times a day (24 a day in total), these tablets resemble a cross between rabbit droppings and very tiny cannon balls. The most awful thing about these tablets is the smell, a cross between aniseed and a skunks arse. I took these awful tablets as prescribed up until today whereby I could no longer stomach the smell and also due to the fact I have been having excessive wind. Tis the only side effect of these tablets and they didn’t go away. So have stopped them. Won’t know if they worked or not since I haven’t been taking them long enough but to be honest have noticed no difference. So am going to stick with the acupuncture as it is working for me. It gives great results with stabilising my serotonin levels and has no side effects.

Visited my doctor on Weds and he was happy with the results and very impressed that it seems to be working for me. We both decided that I should only go see a psychiatrist if I get a bad one again. I seem to have cycles every few years where I crash. We both agreed that I may have a form of Bi-polar but that seeing as we have managed the condition there is no further need to go further to see psych. He also explained that the psychiatric services in our area are dire and that I should only go that route when I get to a stage where I lose awareness again (which happened 10 years ago). He would keep an eye on me anyhoo if any changes occur to alert him that that is about to happen. I also am at a stage now where I will be able to tell when I am about to have a very bad one coming.

Fingers crossed I won’t have another crash for a few years at least and hopefully never have a major episode again. A little worried about services going next year as not sure what the new procedures will be, but am sure that doc will explain any new services or paths I can take if needed. Have still to find a new job and am currently waiting to hear if I get an interview for a job I really want. If nothing emerges before xmas I shall then make a decision and go for a job with less pay and get out of there.

Mood: Cheerful

Lament Configuration - Becoming Pinhead

2006-10-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

On Monday I had my first acupuncture session. My main aim to see if it will help stabilise my serotonin levels. To also help with my IBS, eczema and allergies. Got on really well with the acupuncturist, loverly girl, lots of experience and very knowledgeable. Had about 50 mins of consultation whereby I was asked everything under the sun, she looked at my tongue and analysed my pulse. Next was the needles, ohh joy placed myself on table on my back and she then proceeded in placing 21 needles in certain places. They were placed at points close to my elbows, inner wrists, between thumb and finger (fleshy bit), inner knees, shins, inside ankles, and between big toe and second toes. Ohh and 4 points around my navel and one at crown of my head. She then wriggled the needles until it got pinchy (yes it hurts a little but more uncomfortable than painful). Lay there for 15 mins then they were removed. Lay there for another 15 mins until I could feel my limbs again. Thanked her and went home. That night I slept better than I have done for a long time, not perfect but an improvement. I have been averaging 3-4 hours a night, now average 4- 6. Although I have noticed that I am very irritable in the mornings now, manic + low, whereas I was having just lows in mornings before. Anyhoo am looking forward to next weeks session to see if more improvement can be seen, I think that it is working as my mood patterns have shifted. Not sure yet whether this is a sign of brain trying to stabilise shall have to wait and see.

Mood: Impressed

Lament Configuration - Pin Cushion Session tomorrow

2006-10-08T14:45:00.000-07:00

lol not of the kink kind though. Am having an acupuncture session to see if it will help stabilise my serotonin levels. Not on the NHS, thankfully though I have a fab mum who has offered to pay for the sessions. Am looking forward to it as this weekend my brain has been trying its damn hardest to make me lose it completely. I have had manic episodes whereby I am very tired but cannot sleep, I have cleaned the hoover filters, I have been walking around the house looking for something to do but not knowing what, wanting to relax but cannot. Smile on my face though the whole time. Then today I have a big depressive low, try to fill out the mega application form I need to fill in, its like being a 7 year old again, words don’t make sense, very slow going. Going to the shops and thinking about all manner of ways I could die at that moment. Again not really wanting to die, tis just my brain at its low. Walking around wickes DIY store twitching whilst looking at a tub of filler, thankfully everyone in there was far too busy looking at planks of wood and paint to notice. Ohh and spent 10 mins earlier looking at a particular piece of carpet. Current mood is manic with low, sleepy but fidgety.

Mood: Crazy

Lament Configuration - My new plan… balance

2006-10-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not have read I have been having a rather difficult time of late due to mental illness. So an update of how its going so far and my plans. Tablets worked but have too many side effects, am now not on any medication. Counselling or psychotherapy. Next week will be my 5th appointment and I will say the first few sessions really helped. Really good for decluttering the mind. I am getting bored with mine now, as I feel I know more than she does. So next week shall be the last session. Have thought about what my body is trying to tell me, and its telling me it would like more relaxation and touch therapies. Hard to explain but when my hands, feet, head, in fact any part of me is massaged I feel alot better. Not just physically I feel alot calmer mentally, can think more clearly and have less ‘dark’ thoughts.

So have concluded that acupuncture or acupressure will be beneficial to me. Also now have a juicer/blender and am drinking lots of fruit juices at the moment which seem to make me happier. Am going to also be drinking veg juices too. My aim is to rebalance my serotonin levels with acupuncture and juice drinking combined with a normal healthy balanced diet. I am going to listen to my body and give it what it wants. Now understandably I may not be able to cure myself with this method, and I am not aiming to as that would involve complete character modification.

My aim is to minimise the ‘dark’ thoughts of wanting to not live. Not to be confused for wanting to die. When at the extreme end of my depressive state my mind starts to tell me that I would not like to exist, that everything is too much, that I do not want to be part of such a crap world. But in reality all my brain is saying is that it wants a rest, to stop, to have silence and peace. Whilst I am not afraid of death, I do not want to die, I like living alot. The manic states I have are not so bothersome, as I am on the other extreme end of being very happy, bouncy and to others what would seem eccentric behaviour. The only hiccup being that with very happy comes very depressed after a time. Think of it as a spike chart, the bigger the up the lower the down will be. This can be seen with recreational drug use too. So aim is to have the up and down more balanced. Anyhoo update end.

Mood: Contemplative

Lament Configuration - Friends

2006-08-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

Thinking about that alot today, I find it very difficult to keep friends. Or more to the point to find a friend that is able to cope with my personality. Some friends I have had in the past I have been loyal to and was always there for them, they however did not return the favour when I needed them the most. Some friends acted all nice and friendly but were intimidated by me. Some moved on as we all do, had kids or met a partner. Several months ago I met a fab lady who lives in the same town as me and we share similar interests. She is my best friend, she is there to listen and there to help. But sometimes I find it difficult, will go to see her and at times I sit there silent. She will ask if I am ok. Thankfully she understands that my moments of silence are part of my depression or whatever mental disorder slot I am yet to be placed into. It makes me tearful. My answer is this, currently I have my head to sort out and I prefer to stay at home and look after a large dog that doesn’t like to be left too long at home. He is my baby and the thought of leaving him alone for over 4-6 hours stresses me out. A scattered blog but feel better for placing words somewhere other than in my head. Must de-clutter my brain more…

Mood: Blank

Lament Configuration - A lump of wood

2006-08-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

is what I feel like right now. Felt nauseous earlier, slept for 30 mins or so, nausea left, feeling of emptiness entered. My brain refuses to co-operate, I am going through the motions. So I went to Tesco Express earlier for a few bits, felt completely alien walking in there. In fact it felt alien driving there. Where the hell is my grey matter? So I decided to treat myself by purchasing some innocent strawberry and banana juice. Blooming expensive but I need it. Currently on a programme of juice, eating anything, smoking lots and squeezing my pets and (M) often.

Mood: Sick

Lament Configuration - A setback, mentally floating

2006-08-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

Well what a journey I am having at the moment! Last Monday I had a setback, I awoke early in the morning, crying uncontrollably, every time I tried to stop my body would convulse, I felt very low. (M) comforted me and even Marley made sure I was ok. Later that morning I slept for several hours. At 5pm I went to the doctors. This time I got to see my registered doctor (the last few times have seen the nurse, the other practice doctor and an interim doctor). I walked in and sat down, he had another doctor (I haven’t seen before) with him in the room. I explained the continuing side effects and the episode I had had that morning. He spent 10 minutes explaining what it could be, but to be honest was all a blur. He then said he wanted me off the cipralex immediately and signed me off work for a week. Am to go back this Monday for assessment so he can figure out what is wrong with me without the drug in my system. He laughingly referred to cipralex as the poison.

So this week I have slept alot, slept through most of the side effects, mainly muscle spasms and dizziness. Also have had to endure my body detoxing itself mainly from the lower end. No need for enemas it seems. Am feeling better but not happier. Have the dissociated feeling again and numb. Now I have a feeling I know the process over the years that has led my brain to act the way it is acting at present. As for a diagnosis, I have trouble diagnosing myself, I have a keen interest in psychology and know quite a bit about the various mental disorders. Which makes it very difficult to place myself anywhere. As if I do so am I being paranoid, am I over-analysing, am I really ok or do I have a condition? So I am leaving it to my doctor to decide, I shall provide as much information as I can to see if we can see a path ahead. I may have more time off, I may be put onto different medication, I may actually be referred to a specialist without waiting too long. All this chaos is making it difficult to pursue and have the strength in finding another job. But I am still looking and trying my best to keep motivated. For now am still floating down the river, the ride is not comfortable but am still afloat.·

Mood: sick

Lament Configuration - Bathtime Bliss

2006-07-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

Today was better than yesterday. Still had a tough night of tossing turning, hot sweats and shaking, not to mention waking up wanting to puke. But I feel the side effects are easing off a little and hopefully will continue to do so. Anyhoo I decided to have a bath today and asked (M) to help me. My hair was all greasy and I had that ‘dirty’ feeling that you get when you take acid. I felt slimy. I ran and nice hot bath and gently placed myself into the water, it felt odd, it felt very, very nice, overly nice. I felt cradled by the water, as it washed over me it felt like silk. After a while of splashing about and being memorized by droplets of water I called (M) to help me wash my hair. As he placed the gentle sprinkling of water over my head I felt my head tingle, I felt each droplet, I felt young again, like a child being washed in the bathtub. He careful washed my hair, taking his time, massaging my scalp and then finally rinsing off all the bubbles. Bliss, sheer bliss. Hard to describe the event but I felt cleansed internally as well as externally. The pills that I am taking may well have awful side effects and apparently take weeks to kick in, but I am already getting benefits from just 48 hours of this drug being in my system. I see colours differently, I notice small details more so, I am more calm, I have been laughing. Maybe I am feeling the benefits because I am submitting to all that I experience and am going with the flow of it, I am not fighting it at all. My brain is then able to accept the drug and adjust more easily.

Mood: giggly

Lament Configuration - Magic pill, makes you feel ill

2006-07-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

Well I took my first magic tablet last night (Cipralex 10 mg) and had to endure a whole night and most of today experiencing 99% of the side effects listed. hot sweats, cold shivers, tremors, muscle spasms, thirst, nausea, dizziness, uncoordinated motor function, limb numbness, tingling, crying, flashing lights to name but a few. Feeling a little better now but still getting muscle spasms, hand tremors and moments where I doze off all of a sudden. Am hoping that tonight’s tablet is less severe. Keep losing sensation in limbs or the odd finger, I feel most strange, like I am very drunk and unable to control my body. Currently my foot has fallen asleep again and am having to tap it to wake it up. Anyhoo am just glad I am feeling less nauseous, (M) is going to take me just outside to sit on the green later on as am too weak to go for a walk. He has been wonderful and I honestly don’t know how I would have managed without him. He has helped me to get to and fro to the bathroom, got me drinks and basically aided me around the house so that I don’t fall over and hurt myself. Am going to have to stop typing now as fingers are hurting

Mood: Sick

Lament Configuration - Gates flew open and flood ensued

2006-07-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

(note: this was my 2006 mental breakdown)Well today was a bit of a traumatic day. As some of you who read my blogs will know that I am not really very happy at work at the moment and today my body shouted enough is enough. A bit of background info first… For the past few or even several months I have been having sudden emotional episodes at work whereby I cannot stop crying, I used to go to the loo and cry in there often. This used to happen once a week, for the past few weeks it has been happening everyday at work. Sometimes I don’t have time to get to the loo and end up trying to calm myself down at my desk, tears flow with full force, work colleagues walk past and ignore me.

Last Friday I went to the HR lady and managed to try and release my tears in her private office. It helped a little as she was very understanding. Pity she is leaving this Friday.

Today I walk into work in the morning and feel the tears wanting to emerge again, and emerge they do, and do not stop, by body starts shaking, I feel sick, I try to calm down and it makes it worse. I get up and walk to the office next door to see the HR lady, I can hardly walk and each step seems to take forever. I enter her office and manage to explain how I am feeling in-between gasps. She orders me to go to the doctors immediately and take the day off. She feels I am run down and would not be surprised if I need the week or maybe more off. So I go back to my desk and collect my things, I tell the deputy in the office that I feel a little unwell and I am off to the doctors. He doesn’t seem to be too bothered, thankfully my manager is on holiday as I would have dreaded explaining it to him.

I walk to the car, tears still flowing and commence my drive to the doctors, as I drive through the lanes to the next village it seems to take forever to get there, everything is in slow motion, I am driving at 30mph but it feels like I am not moving. I can hardly see due to my eyes being so swollen now from crying so much. I still cannot stop them flowing.

I finally arrive at the surgery and muster enough strength to open the car door which suddenly seems very very heavy. I get to the surgery door and hesitate, someone is speaking to the receptionist, how can I possibly walk in there? will I be able to speak? Finally the person walks out of the door and I walk up to the desk…. ‘I erm need to see someone, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, 'its' …(I point to my head and make a swirling pattern with my finger), I almost managed to laugh inside, I mean how silly did it look? it felt surreal and bizarre. The receptionist managed to figure out what I was trying to say and said that she would get the nurse to see me and to take a seat for a minute.

So I sat there still having to fight my body as it was still wanting to release vast amounts of fluid from my eye ducts. Eyes now so red and puffy that I looked like I had been in a boxing ring. So I see the nurse, she sits me down and asks me the routine questions, all to the book in regard to counselling. I manage to tell her that I keep crying, I cannot sleep, that I know that the cause is where I work and that I know it will be better when I finally leave and find another job. My body, well my mind just can no longer cope with being there in the meantime. I also explained that I had a hallucination this morning in the form of a huge white butterfly that flew past my eyes. At first I thought it was real as I turned to (M) and said ‘ohh did you just see that white butterfly go past me’, ‘ermmmm nope’ he said, I looked around and indeed no butterfly. hmmm well….I shrugged it off and continued to the car and set off for work. Clever brain was telling me in its own way what was about to happen later that morning. Unfortunately I didn’t understand the meaning and stupidly continued as normal. Anyhoo upon hearing of the hallucination the nurse frowned and said she would see if a doctor would be in later that afternoon, she went off to find out and came back telling me I had an appointment at 5pm. I told her I was too weak to drive and she told me to go to the cafe over the road and to go and calm down, collect my thoughts over a cuppa and only if I felt better to drive home.

I did as she said, went to the cafe, had a herbal tea and ciggie and chatted to some old lady with a cute dog. I also rang (M) to tell him what had happened which helped to calm me down. I managed to drive home and into the arms of (M), I felt relaxed and glad to be home. I then collapsed onto the bed shivering cold and fell asleep. I woke up at 4.30pm feeling nauseous and managed to eat something before heading off the to doctors surgery again. I arrive at surgery feeling numb and tired and walk into the doctors office. I gentle face greets me, a doctor I have never met before. I tell him what I told the nurse and his conclusion is that I am suffering from acute anxiety. He doesn’t think I have schizophrenia but said I would need to come back in 2 weeks for an assessment. I am given 2 weeks supply of Cipralex (SSRI) and to take one tablet before bed each evening.

Being a GP he has only basic grasp of what could be wrong with me and procedure is to give patient (SSRI) for 2 weeks to then see if condition improves. If my condition gets worse or there is no change in-between or when I return after 2 weeks I am to go back and they then assess me to then refer me to a professional. I have been written off work for 2 weeks though which will help as I cannot bear going to work at the moment. Now this is why the mental health system doesn’t work for most people, first you need to muster the strength to go visit your GP, you then have to take tablets before you cam see someone who has more knowledge than your GP does to try and help you properly. Ohh and you will be referred to different people and clinics for assessments which will prolly be miles away.

Anyhoo today the gates flew open and the flood ensued, here I sit in my little boat with my finger in the hole to stop the leak. I hope that my finger stays strong and that I finally reach land. (M) has helped me so much with my condition these past several months, he is always there to answer my calls when I ring from work upset. Everyday we speak on the phone so that I can at least get through the day. I come home to him and my pets and feel safe, I feel calm, he always listens, most importantly he understands, he has been there and knows what it is like. He is my rock and without him I feel I would have prolly lost my mind completely and had to be committed. Thank you my love for keeping me above water, I feel I will be able to reach land with your help

Mood: pit of hell

Lament Configuration - An explanation

2006-07-07T11:35:00.000-07:00

(just to point out that the entry below is fiction and not real)The reason I am ranting is because I don’t know whether I have done the right thing or not. After everybody had failed to acknowledge my obvious upset I accidentally killed Ron. I had been messing about with a plaited rope of rubber bands and devised a basic catapult by stretching it across two drawers. One minute the pen was in my hand and then it was gone. I heard a kind of gasp behind me and when I looked most of the pen had disappeared into Ron’s ear. He made a half-hearted effort to swat at the pen as if it were a bee buzzing around his head, then he went over backwards. Luckily, there was no-one in the office at the time and I managed to stuff the body under a desk with a rubbish bin over his head. At lunchtime when they went to the pub (without Ron, obviously) I was able to drag him into the stationery cupboard - I am the only one with the key. I told Rupert that Ron got a call on his mobile and left. So far it looks like I have gotten away with it, but I am going to have to go in tomorrow with a couple of bottles of sulphuric acid to get rid of the evidence. Otherwise I might have to sort the rest of them out. It really is a terrible nuisance. to be continued…..

Mood: Creative

Lament Configuration - Heartless B***ards!

2006-07-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

At work today I told the PA that it would be informative to email everyone to tell them about the 2 minute silence at 12. She agreed and emailed everyone about an hour beforehand. Anyhoo tis one minute to 12 and I shout from my desk ‘could everyone please be quiet for 2 minutes’, I was ignored, people still spoke. So I said that I would go outside then to do my 2 mins. I stood outside and contemplated my thoughts on last year and paid my silent respects, cars still drove past on the main road which annoyed me somewhat, no matter though. I walked back into the office and they all moaned that not all of them got the email. So I said maybe we should do the 2 mins now. The response I got was shut up and go sit down, they carried on talking and working. I was disgusted and upset and went to see the HR lady who is leaving next week. She was sympathetic and I explained what a bunch of t***ers my work colleagues are. You see they do not see me as part of the team at all because I am admin and they are all engineers. Something that my manager could have corrected long ago but is so crap at people skills that even if he was taught would refuse. What I couldn’t believe is how shallow these people are, 2 f***ing minutes is all it would have taken, instead they hurl abuse at me telling me that I should stop trying to be some kind of goody saviour. It angers me, it angers me that last year we had an office full of people worrying and not once did the management say ‘ohh have half the day off to see if your loved ones are ok’, same thing with 9/11. They expect everyone to carry on as if nothing is happening. I am so determined to find another job, and I keep trying and searching. I shall be so glad when I find the right job with people that give a damn, I can then tell the company I work for to go to hell.

Mood: Angry

Lament Configuration - The sock is dead

2006-06-25T11:29:00.000-07:00

See my previous blog for more info… Well after much prodding and plunging I purchased some sulphuric acid, which almost melted through the pipes under the sink. I decided enough was enough and called a plumber to come and kill the sock. After 1 and 1/2 hours we managed to kill the sock, which was in fact a solid lump of fat stuck in the pipes. He had to resort to using a drill type tool with long strong coil and prodder on end to hammer the fat to pieces. You see fat when it hardens with other bits in the pipes turns into very tough stuff almost as hard as concrete. Very bizarre. I will never ever pour fat in the sink again, and it has put me off eating sausages for life. But apparently it wasn’t all my doing, he said that the previous owners prolly poured lots of fat down the sink and my small amount plugged it. Anyhoo the evil sockfatturd is dead and long gone, hoorahhh! Note: If you ever have blocked pipes inside the house don’t bother using caustic soda or sulphuric acid, these only really work if you can see the blockage and get close to it. Advice given is to pour hot water down the sink every night with a bit of washing up liquid to keep yer pipes nice and clean.

Mood: Cheerful

Lament Configuration - Blockage in my pipes

2006-06-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

Nope am not constipated… Well, for over a week now I have had to deal with kitchen sink filling up yet not draining. When the dishwasher is on or the washing machine is on the sink fills up. So today I called the council, asked them to get someone to check the outside trap/drain. So the chap came along, apparently used a plunger on the sink to no avail. Scratched his head and went outside , used rods on the outside drain/trap thingy in the ground. (all rather complicated as we live in a flat ground floor, there are no waste pipes that stick out from the wall, there is one large main pipe that goes through all the flats and my kitchen and bathroom pipes connect to it, it then goes underground under my flat and outside). Anyhoo council chap said that it wasn’t a blockage from outside so off he went waving goodbye.

So today I purchased a fine plunger and a snake rod. As soon as I got home I set to work. Firstly I removed the hatch in the boxed in part in the bathroom where the large pipe lives. Checked that indeed all pipes in the flat connect to it. Secondly I removed the trap from the pipes in the cupboard that is next to the bathroom, cleaned trap, used rod toward large pipe. Thirdly removed all traps from under sink, cleaned and used rod toward washing machine and dishwasher. Note: sink drains better now but still fills up after a moment or two. Fourth phase is trap next to washing machine. Its the last piece of the pipe puzzle, I really hope that the blockage is there. Otherwise its the council to call again tomorrow as the only other place the blockage could be is between the loo pipe and kitchen/bathroom pipes. I have a funny feeling that is where the blasted blockage is, as neighbour upstairs said that her loo was almost filling up the other day. Anyhoo I am having fun playing plumber lady for the afternoon. Wish me luck on phase 4. Back later with results.

Mood: Determined

Lament Configuration - Blooming Kids

2006-06-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

Looking out of the window a few minutes ago I noticed two young boys of about 10 years old acting rather strange. One in particular had a large paint tub and was putting something into it. They walk across the green to where the residential lock up sheds are. I then see paint sploshing. So I put my flip flops on and head outside. I tell (M) and he comes along for a look. I walk toward the sheds to see they have already tried to paint one door with the end of a broom.

One of the kids has run off the other sits by the tub of paint swirling the paint around pretending that he is not there. I calmly walk up to him and ask if he has been painting the shed doors, ‘no’ he says. Meanwhile one of the local residents shouts out of the window ‘its them isn’t it the little buggers!’. I tell him that it isn’t nice to put paint on property and that it doesn’t look very nice now does it. I then say ‘you’re bored aren’t you’, the meek voice says ‘yeah’. I tell him that he needs to find other things to do that don’t involve painting the area. I tell him that I am going to take the tub away and ask him if he understands why I am taking it away and why it is wrong. He replies with a sorry yes and then runs off. I take the tub which is dripping all over the place and go to the back of the flats to place the tub into lots of bags to prevent drippage and in the bin it goes. A man walks past and commends me for what I just did. I imagine there were cheers coming from behind curtains. My good deed for the day.

Kids will be kids, its not their fault they are bored and mum wants them out of the house so she can prolly drink lots of beer whilst chatting on the phone to her chav mate. Its not the kids fault that a stupid adult leaves paint pots outside for them to play with. Maybe the child learn't something today maybe not, but I didn’t shout and I wasn’t aggressive toward him, he is just a curious, bored child longing for inspiration that seems nowhere to be found.

Mood: Amused