Goodbye magic pills - the end to crazy meds

Well it has been a while since I blogged. I am still alive I just had other new wonderful things to occupy me.

A while back I attended an indoor climbing taster session. This experience had a profound effect on me. Whilst I was unable to climb to the top of the walls due to my odd at height phobia, I did come out feeling ontop of the world. I realised I had fallen in love with climbing, a persuit that will keep me fit and healthy that I adore. I went frequently (every other day) and class it now as my therapy. It sucessfully manages my manic episodes and keeps my brain occupied. I do find it diffcult to climb when am having a dip in mood, but instead focus on my art when I am withdrawn.

So have been managing dips with creating artwork and highs with climbing. It seems to be working rather well.

Anyhoo a while back whilst talking to my shrink we both came to the conclusion that I may be allergic to Mirtazapine as I was having insane itching attacks at night not long after taking my tablet. Tried an antihistamine to see if it made any difference but it just made me all the more sedated.

I kept on with the Mirtazapine and monitored the itchiness, not every evening but started to happen more and more frequently. A few weeks ago I developed a rash on the nape of my neck. Which I mentioned to my shrink at my next session. Again we both agreed that I appreared to have become more allergic to wonderful Mirtazapine. We discussed the options and my current mental state. Options re: meds had been reduced to zero, due to being allergic, sensitive or due to my heart not liking meds that messed about with heartrate. She asked if I thought I was ready to come off meds and I said that having the knowledge I do now, plus the fact I was able to live with my condition med free for almost 30 years was a good sign. We both agreed. She said she would give me a safety net (zoplicone) sleeping tablets for when I couldn't sleep to avoid me going into a big episode in future. This would be an ongoing script. My file would remain open so that if I ever got over the edge help would be there immediately and would get seen ASAP.

I was told to start tapering off the Mirtazapine going from 30mg to 15mg that night and staying on 15mg for one month and then stopping.

Going from 30 to 15 induced the following side effects:

That night I had tinnitus (ringing in ears) all night long, thus I hardly slept. I awoke the next morning to intense trippiness. Which was amusing but alas had to take the day off work as kept bumping into things and hallucinating. The next day I was fine. The following weeks my depressive morning dips returned but managed them and had got used to them.

Last night was my first med free night (no more Mirtazapine) and what a night! Didn't sleep a wink, hot and cold sweats, shaking, paranoia, emotional. Another day off as slept most of today to recover. Its now evening and feel relatively normal. All going well I should be able to go back to work tomorrow.

The next few weeks will be a battle as my brain sinks back to its normal chaotic state. A violently swinging pendulum which will become less violent as time goes on.

Oddly I feel stronger mentally than I have ever been before (even on meds). I have learn't to adapt. But this is not a surpise seeing as I have always been warrior like.

I was born like this, I have no disturbing events that have triggered my illness, I have always been the cube like peg that is unable to fit into any hole. Because the cube that I am is like a Chinese puzzle box, forever reconfiguring itself.

I am what I am, but just because I do not fit I am not going to submit to try and fit. I see the world though many windows, I travel to the bowels of hell and to the gloriously wonderful fairgrounds. Both have elements of danger and death. But I now have the ability to stop the ride and assess the world I am in.

I am not cured, I have evolved. Maybe that is what mentally illness is in it essence, it is telling us to stop and assess. The brain is a most complex organ. My piece of wisdom from my experiences are as follows:

If it gets out of control then consider medication and/or therapy in order to give yourself a breather and assess the issues you face.

Sort out what makes you unhappy and change it, some things will be easy to fix, others more delicate. But this is a very important thing, do not be afraid, seize the bull by the horns. End relationships, change jobs, move, sort out debts, lose weight etc...

Seek out things that will inspire and motivate you. No matter how silly or trivial. If you loved playing hockey as a child, take it up again as an adult. Think of the 'ohh would love to do that, have always wanted to do that' and do them.

Look after the body. Indulgence in moderation, get out into the fresh air, eat good quality food, pamper yourself.

Talk to people, blog abot worries or rant. Let everything out (private stuff to anon sources). Try not to keep the negative thoughts inside, bring out, dissect.

Be yourself :O)

twisted_angel x

P.S. Will still keep blogging, you cannot get rid of me that easily ;o)

highly tuned senses

Ahhh ha! yes I have always had a problem with noise. As a child I would fight with my sibling if she ate noisily and she even used to do it on purpose knowing it would enflame me.
Eating loudly or eating crunchy food will send me into a fire breathing rage. I cope by walking away from it or putting my mp3 player on to block out the noise. If someone talks loudly for me it is like they are shouting.



I have what seems higher than normal senses. I cannot tolerate strong perfumes or smells very well, what is a squirt of perfume for some is like they have bathed in it for me smell wise. But I can pick up the nice hidden smells too.



I used to think I had bad hearing until I noticed that I could hear its that I went into a daydream like state and blocked off noise. Apprently epileptics can suffer from the same thing (mainly in children) and is usually used as diagnosis. Not that I am epileptic but there does seem to be more and more linkage with regard to symptoms of BP and epilepsy. Quite possibly due to the same receptors misfiring/overfiring with either.



Taste wise I have a very good sense of taste and can usually taste more flavours than others can. Maybe I should become a wine taster or ohhh chocolate taster lol



Sight well that is a tricky one as I am as blind as a bat without contact lenses. Severely short-sighted -7.50 in one eye and - 8.00 int he other. BUT with contact lenses correcting my vision I still can notice things many cannot, am very good at wordsearches and spot the difference type games. Notice things that are out of place and have an almost spooky gift of finding lost items.



Finally to touch. As a child I wasn't a cuddly child I hated being kissed and cuddled. My mother sometimes got upset as I didn't show affection. Yet if plonked infront of an animal I would cuddle and stroke it with greatest affection and love. I adored animals back then and still do and over squeeze my two cats and dog on a regular basis. Yet when it comes to people I will hug someone if they need one but mainly I tend to not like being cuddled or touched. This changes when I am manic and become hypersexual as then I very much enjoy being touched. But when in stable or depressed state I detest affection toward me and detest giving it. Skin becomes oversensative and says no.



Anyhoo gosh how I ramble on.



I can only conclude that what is supposed to be manic depression is in fact evolution. Maybe we are more evolved than others and as thus cannot cope yet with our highly tuned senses and usually massive IQs. But maybe at some point we will learn to harness what we have and the mad will then become the new mankind. Ahhh I love philosophy!



twisted_angel x (whom may one day, may have the answer to why we are here)

Depakote cold turkey (blog date 18 feb 2008)

Update:

Had to have last Thursday and Friday off from work due to insane itching in the night. Felt like I had ants crawling all ove me. Realised that my histamine receptors were waking up from their long slumber, nice of them to let me know.



Itching has lessened as brain is slowly pushing out the remnants of the depakote from its matter.



Mood wise, some slight mixed states but not dramatic.



Finally got through to Pdoc and she advised that only option left to me is Abilify at a very low dosage. I said that I would try going back to acupunture (am still on Mirtazapine as I do well on it). As acupuncture did make a difference when I had it done before ( I only stopped it as felt guilty about cost as mum was paying for sessions).



So shall go ahead with more alternative route and see how it goes.



Of course am still being monitored by the psyc team and visit them on regualr intervals.



So currently the cold turkey for me hasn't been that bad. Maybe it is because I don't really suffer from anxiety ( am pretty fearless), and have a warrior like attitude to life. Yes I have an illness, I have always had an illness but I refuse to life in fear of the next episode. I am taking a risk, but I am happy with that. Life is too bloody short. I have a good support system of professionals, friends and family when I need them. Am back to my fully eccentric bubbly self again. I now have the spark back, am inspired again to paint, have been taking interest in my photography again and am looking forward to starting indoor rock climbing in two weeks time.



Anyhoo shall update as and when.



twisted_angel x

Best and Worst meds

Worst for me were:

escitalopram - twitching like I was connected to a shock machine, restless leg syndrome, hot flushes to the point that I was soaked waking up each morning, inability to walk very far, dizziness, slurred speech, jittery speech, induced mania. Had to come off straight away as doc suspected I was experiencing moderate Serotonin syndrome. Then had to deal with sharp depressive dip that it left behind after 48 hours of stopping. Thankfully was short lived.



Depakote - put on a stone in one week, excessive fluid retention, alot of hair loss, skin very dry and flaky, constant loose bowels (going to loo up to 20 times a day, thus causing anal tearage and extreme pain), kidney pain, liver pain, cystitis, extreme tiredness to the point of zombie like, hence unable to get up in the morning thus always being in late for work. Got fed up with feeling like crap eventhough mentally was stable. Stopped immediately as advised by pdoc.

Best:

Mirtazapine - No side effects, don't feel tired on it, don't feel like a zombie, I do very well on it. Am continuing to take it and shall prolly be on it for a very long time.



Acupuncture (ok not a med) - Expensive at £35 a pop (for 1 - 1 1/2 hours session). No side effects although is a tad uncomfortable but bearable pain wise (not good if you don't like needles though but I am fine with needles). Effects of session can last from days to weeks, better sleep, moods more stablised. I am going back to having my sessions as I have little choice with meds now. Cannot take lithium as my internals didn't react well to valporate and lithium may cause same problems. Cannot take many of the antipsycs as I have a naturally fast heartrate and thus taking them will bring on palpatations.



If I am to ever go back to another mood stabliser then I have been advised that I could take very small dose of Abilfy. Only option left. Am going to try and make a go of it with Mirtazapine and Acupuncture combo and see how I do.



twisted_ angel x

feet back on terra firma

Well it has been an interesting time these past two weeks. The beginning of last week I visited my shrink to tell her that I was fed up with being fat, hairless, loo hugging and stomach pained zombified creature. She agreed that Depakote wasn't making my life easier anymore, a shame as it did sort out my moods. So on her advice I quit that evening (I had already had my 500mg in the morning. So commenced the cold turkey off of depakote. (Which I was a tad worried about as evidence on net suggests it quite dangerous to cold turkey off it as it can cause convulsions etc..) But anyhoo doc knows best so ahead I went with cold turkey. The next morning I couldn't go to work as I was shaking alot and kept having hot sweats and dizziness. This I had for two days. Then I felt ok. Today I woke up feeling dizzy and disorientated so took a day off again. My brain is trying to now sort itself out no doubt as the drug is now slowly trickling out of my grey matter. Today I have felt quite depressed but am fighting it and shall be booking an acupunture treatment soon to help me along.

Now shrink had prescribed me new tablets to take fom this week called seroquel. But when I checked out the side effects it was evident that I couldn't take them. They cause raised heart rate and since I suffer from palpatations and already have a naturally fast heart rate I cannot take them. She knows this and obviously completely forgot and didn't read my notes properly. I can remember the first time I saw her and back then she said I could not be put on antipsychotics for that reason. I mean sheeshhh I thought I had a bad memory but it seems that she does too.

I tried to call her last week and was told that she would call me. No call. I am going to call her tomorrow and see if I can get through as I think I should let her know the status and I will need more regular appointments with my CPN from now on as am now only on the Mirtazapine now and need extra suport for when I get my dips or highs. Am going back to alternative therapy (acupuncture) as it did help with stabalising moods and my mother has offered to pay for them again. I used to have a session every two weeks but once I get into the routine will then be able to have it once a month which should suffice. I am lucky that my parents can afford to send me to one, many people do not have that luxury.

Anyhoo feeling a little better this evening so shall go to work tomorrow hopefully. I slept till 3pm today and was exhausted. But brain did feel better for it.


Ahh this year is the year of changes and next month it is time to get my body healthy again. I lost 1/2 stone in three days from just coming off of depakote (most likely mainly fluid retention). I aim to lose a stone this year. Am going to start indoor climbing with a friend and will look forward to more walking as the weather gets bettr. I have my energy back now as with depakote was like a zombie and had no energy.

That is all for now, need to get to bed and hopefully wake up ok in the morning.

twisted_angel x

Arson, pain in the rectum and crazy meds

What a week it has been, Last week I had finally got to the stage where going to the loo was pain free. This however did not last long and I have torn again, yet again I did not strain, have had soft stuff coming out not hard. Again I am in unbearable pain. On Thursday I had kidney pain and cystitis. Enough is enough, I am sure that it is the Depakote that has messed up my internals, thus have demanded another appointment with my CPN with view to coming off and will go from there.

Today smelt smoke in the kitchen, thought it was odd, looked out of window and saw large plumes of smoke. Quickly assembled my camera and went out to see what was happening.

The sheds opposite had been set on fire, fire crew were there already and a nice policeman.

The police had seen some teens lingering once the firemen had gone and gave chase. it seems they were the culprits.

Apparently a fire had been started in one of the sheds at my end (where my shed is) and last night a resident put it out. I had also noticed that someone had tried to break into my shed, and reported it to the police. I personally think the sheds should be knocked down as they are always being vandalised and make the square look unsightly.

Ohh well I could live in worse areas (and there are worse). I just need to stay here a few more years and refurb this place so I can then sell it. Never again will I live on an estate that is for sure. I do feel sorry for those that do not have a choice though. We all should have a nice place to live at some point.

So fed up of being in pain.

twisted_angel x

My 31st Birthday

A chilled day, spent most of the day doing not very much, went for a nice walk though, see pictures below;


















twisted_angel x